The first time ever I saw her face....

Monica and I were just talking last night about what it is like falling in love.............it's strange, so many times people go out looking for it....isn't that what dating around is? It's like shopping for a mate, trying one after another, seeing how it feels, how it fits.  I think it is simply human nature to want to be in a romantic, loving relationship.  It is quite obviously one of the biggest, most powerful emotions there is.  That's why almost all songs are written about it, poetry is written about it, etc.  We long for it, and when it hits, it is truly a feeling that is completely intoxicating, euphoric, better than any drug, and we will do whatever we have to do to keep feeling it.  And what's so funny is that you can't create it, you can't bring it, you can't find it......it really finds YOU!  And when it does, you realize how powerless and little you really are........like a heroin addict against his dope, you don't stand a chance.

The first time I ever saw Monica I was shaken to my core.  Literally, my knees weakened, somewhere in my body some chemical was emitted, like some sort of adrenaline shot that made my heart pound-- every cell in my body awakened and stood alert.  I was so confused......here was this tiny little lady with her black choppy haircut, her combat boots, studded cuff on her wrist.  She couldn't have been 100 pounds dripping wet......she bounced around in those combat boots like she walked with a spring on the balls of her feet.  She walked quickly and with a purpose, and when those pretty almond shaped brown eyes, perfectly outlined in dramatic make-up, looked up and spotted someone she knew, that angelic face lit up like a Christmas tree and those sensuous  curvy red lips spread into the cutest grin......complete with one beautiful crooked pearly white tooth on one side of her top row.  My heart did flip flops......funny thing is almost two years later it still does.  Sometimes even now, when I look at her, she takes my breath right outta me, like I am seeing her that first day all over again.  While I wanted to run out of that room because I was terrified of how I was feeling, I also felt like I just wanted to be in her presence, all at the same time.  I couldn't take my eyes off her, and I couldn't walk away.  Still, it would be months before we ever even spoke.

Little steps to our one day......stepping, stepping, wanna JUMP, but stepping....

Well, things are moving along in the direction of us being together.  It's so hard though, even still!  She is over there just a couple of miles away with her estranged husband in town, everybody in that house just going through the normal motions and yet they ALL know what is going on.   The boys are trying to act normal to their mom, have always had a somewhat strained relationship with their dad, from what I gather, and she and I just meet together when we can and talk of the phone any other moment we can steal away.   I know that in a year or so, I will have to work full time and she will quite soon get busy with her stuff, but for now, I cherish so much the moments when we are simply together.....not even really doing much, but just in the same spot, talking, laughing, saying nothing. 

My daughter is doing better--they LOVE their dad's new girlfiriend and they LOVE my girlfiriend too, as wierd as it may seem to my daughter.  Monica's boys are not saying much about it, just moving along.  This weekend we have a photo shoot of a new line of fitness clothing she is designing and her son will be there to take some pics.  He has taken up a hobby of photography, which is a nice healthy activitiy for him and he will accompany the photographer this weekend to take some of his own shots.  It gonna be a lil wierd.....showing so much skin in front of this kid, who now doesnt' see me as "mom's friend", but as "mom's girlfriend".  The last thing I wanna do is have him seeing me in any sexy light since he for sure doesn't wanna think about me and his mom in any way like that!  Plus, I feel a little nervous around him now.  Don't really know how to act now that I know that he knows.

It's weird, because she is so integrated into my world......she comes over alot, hangs out with my kids, etc.  But since she and her husband, although seperated, are still in the same house, I never go over there.  I don't know her kids nearly as much as she knows mine, and I probably never will.  After all, they are teenagers so they aren't chomping at the bit to hang with their parents anyway, even in a normal situation.  I look forward to the day when our lives can be integrated......waiting is so hard, but I know that I would wait forever if that's what it took.  She is so amazing........................aaaaaaah.  I didn't fall in love with her, past tense, but I just continue falling deeper and deeper in love with her every day.  That love is huge, thorough, so special....like my best friend, my greatest confidante and fan, my lover, and the object of my every base desire....all rolled into one!  Like the best treat I ever had.....my personal narcotic.

"New" Mom....not mine, ME!

Well, I think I write for both Monica and myself when I say that a HUGE weight has been lifted off of us.  I mean seriously we have been so stressed out about her boys finding out, how they would take it, if they would find out in some horrible way......we imagined that it would be like pulling the rug right out from under them.  We have been living with this fear for so many months now that both of us don't even know how to handle NOT having the fear. 

It's strange....I think she is going through the same thought process I went through when I first told my kids, although our situations are totally different.  My kids are so young that it wasn't embarrasing at all...well, at least not for my boys.  But I did have this feeling like it was something that was now branded into me.....that whatever they thought of it, even if I became straight next year (would NEVER happen), I am now forever changed in their eyes.  I have become the "gay mom" to them.  While I am the same mommy, they will always see me in a slightly different light. 

I guess its like the same as when my daughter asked me what sex was.  I was so clever that I answered, "Oh, it means whether or not you are a boy or a girl....so when a form in school asks for your sex, you and I would put 'female' and the boys would put 'male'."   However she then went to tell me, "Well, Heather from my class told me it is when a man and woman make a baby and the man sticks his penis in a girl's vagina."..............................I think I must've felt as shocked as my mom did when I told her I was gay......NOT the conversation I was planning to have with my SEVEN YEAR OLD!!!!!!  "Well," I said, "Actually, yes, it is also that" at which point her eyes grew as big as saucers and she responded, "Did you and Daddy do that??????!!!"  So, after confirming that yes we did, she said, "Did you have to do that three times?" and I said, "Yep, I sure did."  Her expression immediately clouded over with disdain and she said, "Mommy, that is so gross!"  And I knew that the image of me was forever changed in her mind. 
So, now not only am I someone who has had sex three times in her eyes, but I am also someone who wants to "smooch with a girl".  Oh well, eventually, all kids discover that their parents, whom they adore, are just imperfect humans. 

For Monica, since her boys are much older, I think they have a different concept of our relationship since they maybe can guess more about the physical side of it.  Funny, I have had people ask me, "What exactly do you do?" and my reply was, "Everything you do with your husband that doesn't involve that part."  But I also know that even if that creeps into her sons' heads, all kids detest and are sickened by the thought that their parents ever even think about sex so.....whatya gonna do? 

So, we are settling into "gay mommy" mode.   Trying it on for size, getting used to it.  Damn, I would try on just about anything if it meant I could be with her....................

The Boys Know.....................

Well, it's official......her boys are in the know about us.  Funny, we have been sweating this one for several months.  We have prayed and worried and made ourselves near sick....and we come to find out THEY ALREADY KNEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  She had planned to tell them sometime this week, before the end of September.  Then, we ran into a friend of her younger son's dad (the friend's dad, that is) at a party on Saturday night.  He mentioned that his son had told him about us and that he got this information directly from her son!  Needless to say, we were stunned!  So she went home and thought a lot.  I thought a lot too.  Our thoughts were these:  1.  they obviously know, but for how long had they been sitting in this? 2. for however long they have known, they have still acted like they love her.  3. her oldest son still kept the necklace around his neck that I gave him, and even thanked me for a birthday present, so they don't hate me  4.  they can't be completely ashamed if one of them shared the news with a friend. 

The next day she told them that they needed to have a talk and to meet back at the house at a certain time.  The oldest son sent a text a while later stating that he wanted to stay at a friends house a while longer and jam (he's a musician), and then the text went something like this...."if this talk is about you and Stacy's relationship, I already know and it's no big deal..."   Well, of course, there were still things to be discussed so she summoned him home a while later and opened a discussion forum with her kids about us.  Both just shrugged their shoulders and said it was okay, they love their mom, they like me just fine, and that it just wasn't such a big thing!!! She stated very clearly so that they would not think this was some crazy phase or something that we are IN LOVE, that this relationship is here to STAY.  She told them this would not directly affect what their lives would look like in the short term, and then they all hugged!  CAN YOU BELIEVE IT???????  What amazing kids! 

Now we aren't totally naive to think that there won't arise some negative feelings in the future about this.  But all this time we had worried they would scream, yell, be unable to function, be hit as if with a boulder crushing their whole world!  Perhaps it is beccause they already knew.....they had been able to process this slowly, probably not believing it, but finally admitting to themselves that yes, this must be what is really happening.  I don't know.  But I know we prayed our asses off and God answered.  He somehow, in his Infinite Grace, spared those boys from the devastation that this might have created.  I also attribute it to her wonderful upbringing of such sweet, tolerant, wise and accepting young men.  She is an inspiring mom, to be sure.  God, I love her so much!

Random............

Well, things are getting so busy now.....thought with school starting it woud get easier and it has, but all those afterschool activities get crazy! Seriously, I think that parents have a tendency to overschedule their kids these days.  I really think kids need a couple of days a week when they can come home from school and do nothing but homework, play in the yard, even veg in front of the tube if they want, make something from an old box. I am a huge proponent of providing opportunities and structure and consistantly, but they need to also learn that life doesn't have to be at top speed ALL THE TIME! 

My ex was the most fun and exhausting person to vacation with.  He would have every single moment of our vacations booked to the point of utter chaos!  They were always fun, but I would return feeling as if I needed to take a vacation after the exhaustion of my vacation!  LOL  I love that about Monica.  She loves to relax, she isn't always expecting me to be accomplishing something 24/7.  In fact, we love to park our butts on the sofa and snuggle and watch tv for hours.  It's so refreshing! Good thing, too, because we gonna be so poor when our men are outta the pic, we need to not have  expensive tastes. 

I have turned down many job interviews this year......I really really wanted to teach! (I am a certified teacher in Chem, math, physics), but I felt that on the three days a week after school that I have my kids, I wanted to actually HAVE my kdis.  I wanted tto be there to see them off to school, help them with homework, take them to their activities. They deserve that, at least this year for sure, after all they have been through with this divorce and stuff.   I know that my turn will come, but it is a short time that I have them young and can make such a difference in their world. 

Kids are a constant sacrifice.  They are worth it, but it is constant.  When I divorced my ex, I knew he would fight me for the money, at any cost to the kids, which is a tragedy.   Instead of fighting for my half, I just settled for way less and we are now able to be friendly, which is so important for them.  I knew that his money meant a world more to him than we did......oh well.  You can't take it with you when you're gone...

Monica's oldest son will be 18 in a few days.  How exciting for him! His court appearance was uneventful and he will not have to have  any major punishment inflicted on him (praise God!).  I think so much of that kid! We haven't had a chance to get to know eachother a TON, but I have had the privilege of sharing some of his teenage-ness with him a bit.  What a trip he is! Not just his age--I love teenagers, used to teach them, yada yada. But he is quite a personality!  Amusing, full of life, smart as hell.....great great kid! I think she is gonna tell them soon....after his birthday.  If not, she should for sure wait til after the holidays since it would be too close and would ruin their holidays.  Probably will ruin them anyway.....I feel so bad! I would never wanna hurt somebody or destroy someone's family! 

None of this situation makes any sense, not any of it! If I were an outsider, I would shake my head and say, "Now, that is just not right!"  It defies all logic.  But all I need is to take one look at her, that pretty face, that smile, those eyes, and that is really all the logic I need to have.....I am home.

Mommies in love.....................

Aaaaaaaaaaahhh, I had the most fantastic 24 hours with my girl.  So amazing!  We didn't really do anything except sit around snugglin', eating great food, drinking wine...........such a perfect day. Then when the time for her to leave starts approaching, I start getting a little bit sad.  I know it's silly, but I miss her in an almost physical way when she walks out that door.  I know she is just a few miles down the road, being with her kids, and I am here with mine. 

Oh, how I wish we could simply integrated our lives!  But I know that for now, and probably several years into the future, it simply will not be possible.  Her boys will have a long road ahead when she decides to tell them.  I wonder when she will feel that the time is right to do that?  In a way, it's something I want her to put off forever.  In another way, it's something I wish she would do NOW, and just get it over with.....let the process begin for them.  They know their parents marriage is practically over....they are probably scared, wondering what life will look like for them, but they are also too scared to ask.  I am sure, however, that in their wildest imagination, they are not picturing their future with a gay mom.  I also know that they will HATE me, at least for a time, hopefully not forever.  I also am pretty sure that when she tells them, things will, for a duration, look differently for her and me, that she won't be able to simply tell them, "I am going off to Stacy's house" and then come over here!

Her older son has a court appearance today and I have been praying that it will all be okay.  He's been in some minor trouble, teenage stuff, but troubling still, to be sure.  She is such a strong woman, such an amazing mom. I hurt to see her having to deal with this stuff, taking her boy to court.  It scares me for him too, because he is a very unique and special kid, so smart and funny, so full of life and huge potential.....I don't want to see his future crippled by any stupid mistakes he's made and was unfortunate enough to get caught. 

There's so much else on my mind..........but sittin her is making me sleepy, despite the coffee I am drinking, and there's no time for sleepiness.  It's shower, get kids fed and off to school time, then hittin' the gym, studying, pickin up kids, soccer practice, tutoring a kid in math, dinner, bath, and beddy-bye time.  Then, maybe I can relax and tell you all the other wierdness.

So beautiful...........

I love Monica.....I don't just love her, I really really LOVE her.  I love the way she smells.  I love the tone of her voice, kind of raspy but so feminine too.  I love her laughter and the things that make her laugh.  I love her curvy soft lips and her white teeth, with that one crooked one, her snaggletooth, so cute, so sexy.  I love her cheekbones and her dark almond shaped eyes.  I love staring into them, they are so dynamic...sometimes a deep dark brown, other times sparkling like a reddish Indian brown.  I love her eyelashes, so dark and curling upward.  I love the shape of her nose and I love the pink birthmark on her cheek that I can sometimes see peeking through her makeup.  I love the heartshaped freckle on her other cheek.  I love the sprinkling of freckles on her shoulders and chest.  Her arms are so strong and defined, but curvy and feminine too.  I love the curves in her body......she is so toned and still so soft.  Her skin is like silk and is always so warm.  I love it when she lays her body down on mine....she is so dainty and soft and warm, and she smells so good, like flowers in the sun.  She is so intoxicating, like the best drug I ever did.  But the best, the very best is just looking in those brown eyes.....oh, those eyes! They are the most beautiful exotic, alluring eyes I ever saw, and I get lost every time I look in them.  There are sometimes that I simply can't look because I know when I do, I won't be able to look away...I am stuck, sucked in........those are the prettiest eyes in the world. 

Date Night!!!!!!!!!!!!

So excited to get to spend the evening with Monica!  We don't get to spend the night together very often since we both have kids so we get to have a sleepover tonight! We were planning to go to a movie, "The kids are alright", which we hear is a great movie about two lesbians who's kids are by AI and go seek out the common father.  Anyway, just realized it isn't playing anymore in the theater so I think we are gonan cook and watch a movie here. 
My ex's new girlfriend has a sister who is gay so she is very supportive and hence, so is he.  They have recommended that I watch the movie, "For the Bible tells me so", which is a documentary about how fundamentalist Christians have misinterpreted the Bible to further their anti-gay agenda.  I should see it and maybe I will feel better about all of this......shoot, I should make my mom see it! 
But tonight it's just wine, food, and snugglin' on the sofa.....until bedtime that is.  ;)  Amazing how such a simple pleasure can seem like so much.  When we can finally actually "be" together, I know we will not take it for granted because we have had to go through so much to be able to get there.  We are on our way................BIG SMILES ALL AROUND!  
Last date night we had to call it quits in the middle to go bail her teenage son out of jail for underage drinking at a party....we just laughed later on because we are both moms and well, that's just what parents do!  Wishing everyone a safe, happy, peaceful night...filled with LOVE!  

ENCHANTED!

en·chant (n-chnt)


tr.v. en·chant·ed, en·chant·ing, en·chants

1. To cast a spell over; bewitch.

2. To attract and delight; entrance.
 
This is the dictionary definition for "enchant".  I really like this word because anyone who has ever experienced love at first sight or even over a period of time fallen head over heels in love with someone knows that this is a fantastic word used to describe the hold that love has over you.  That is precisely what Monica, unbeknownst to her, did to me the first time I ever saw her.  She was like a shock to all my senses.....shoot, I just plain LOST all my senses.......all I knew, all that I had believed of myself, all that I had resolved to be... completely flew out the door. 
 
I feel like life had been on this one course for many many years.  That course was fraught with painful bumps, potholes, mud......just as is any course in life.  But the scenery was also bleak.  I was just traveling through deadness, like gray skies, dead trees, darkness.  And I was traveling this road in shackles.  And the whole time, I kept looking around and saying, "See??? Isn't this great?? Isn't this beautiful?" because I had been taught that this type of course was supposed to be beautiful.  And probably because I hoped if I told myself that enough times, perhaps I would start to buy into it.  But I was restless......incomplete.....disrespected by my man....and consequently, disrespected by myself, too.  I had lost myself trying so hard to be what everyone told me I was supposed to be.
 
Then all of the sudden, my dusty little cart traveling through life just derailed and hopped onto a completely different track!  While I sat around and marveled at how that could have even possibly happened, the most beautiful world began to spring up around me, full of light and life, full of understanding, respect, love.  The world had never looked more beautiful, even though the potholes were deeper, the bumps more like mountains.  And now the whole earth sparkles! The air smells cleaner, the sky looks bluer, my sheets feel softer, even the food tastes better!
 
She just unknowingly cast a spell on me and I have never been and never will be the same.  Why didn't someone tell me it could feel like this?  It never seems to fade.  I never get used to looking at her--each time I see her, I am bewitched all over again.   She takes my breath right away and I can hardly even focus on what she is saying becasue I am so taken in by simply watching her mouth move as she speaks.  There is magic all through my life now, and I know I am being so selfish, but I am not willing to let it go.....I feel powerless even to try.  I am wildly in love with that girl......there is little I wouldn't do for her, to be with her................I am completely and utterly ENCHANTED.

Justa checkin' in.....

Well, church was a disaster.  Not because of my mom, but because my little boys decided that during the sermon was a good time for a wrestling match, so we had to leave early. 

Monica ended up coming over that day and my mom was a ton nicer!  Probably because I told her that it would really mean alot to me if she made an effort.  I also came right out and voiced my frustration with her, which I probably shouldn't have done.  Understandably, this is hard for anyone to take and will take her time to get used to. 

I have to admit that I, myself, might even think that I was having a midlife crisis if I were an outsider looking in.  I would say, "that woman has gone plum crazy!  Running off to be a lesbian in her late 30's! How on earth could she do that to her kids?"  I probably would seriously think that, which is a huge reminder to me that you can't really ever know how you would be in any situation until you have been there.  Until you have sat where someone else is sitting, it may be important not to be so quick to pass judgement. 

Aaaah, I spent a most relaxing morning watching TV snuggling with Monica on the sofa.  We were quite lazy actually and I accomplished little else today.  I am going to go tutor three students in math this afternoon so I am going to be slightly productive.  Being in love can make you so lazy!! It's like a great drug.....All you wanna do is float around and spend every moment with your sweetie!  Aaaaaaahhhhh........floating off to do algebra, geometry, and statistics....how romantic! haha!

Diarrhea of the fingers this morning.....

Taking Mom, Dad, and the kids to church today.  Yes, to the church that fired me from teaching Sunday school--over an unconfirmed rumor of my gayness!  Stupid!  I even asked the lady when she called and told me to "step down", I said, "Why? Because I am such a danger to small children?"  I actually really like the church, or LIKED the church I should say.  It's one of those mega churches that I was once opposed to.  The pastor is this amazing speaker, Andy Stanley, who actually spoke at O'Bamas inaugural prayer ceremony.  Anyway, I like the church because it's like a rock and roll church and you can dress how you want and lots of people have freaky hair and tattoos....and of course alot of them don't too, but it's still really cool.  Except that they are homophobic.  Perhaps God will have some great loving message there for my mom to be receptive to today.  Maybe I should try a gay church--they have them in the city.

Funny, I have never been on the recieving end of discrimination before.  I don't usually discriminate based on race, sexualy orientation, etc., so I really didn't ever notice that it is really prevalent.  Even when Monica and I go out on a date and hold hands or kiss eachother, most people either pretend not to notice or seem a little weirded out.  My daughter even said to me, "Mom, I think you are pretty enough."  to which I smiled and thanked her, because I am on the better side of average for sure, and she said, "You ought to be able to get a man."  LOL!  She just thought maybe I was desperate and that's why I am now with a woman! I told her I didn't expect her to understand becasue she is a boy crazy seven year old, and I didn't expect her to love it, since it does set her apart from other kids, but I do expect her to respect my choices and my happiness.

I don't want to have to defend my lesbianics.  I never did like the gay pride bumper stickers since I always thought it was obnoxious to point out your orientation at all.  Like I never had a sticker on my car that said, "I like men! I'm straight!" But I am now seeing that people are hateful, mean.  It may be necessary to be obnoxious in defense of my love for Monica and my defense that I can still be a Christian too.  That being gay and Christian are not mutually exclusive of eachother.  Maybe the problem is just that I am living in the Atlanta suburbs where the people arouond her have their granny panties on too tight for comfort!

They should make a different word for "gay", because being gay is way harder than I ever thought it would be---never spent much time thinking on it since I was relatively certain that I wasn't.  But there has been a lot going on that doesn't make me feel so gay (happy) these days.  And yet, the minute I see her, she shoots an arrow straight through my heart.  Every time I see her, it's like looking at an angel, and a love like this could only be the fingerprint of God himself. 

What about ME???????!!!!!

Well, Monica is literally in tears, and I am just PISSED!  Well, I actually think I got her to feelin a little better and she has probably gone off to sleep now, but here I am in my house, awake.....blood boiling.  Nothing explosive took place, but last night (I think I already posted some of this) my mom was.....sorta cold shoulder a little bit to my girl.  She was not outright rude, but not nearly as polite as she would have been if.....well, really...some stranger came in off the street for dinner!  She never asked her about herself, her kids, her work, anything.  In fact, she had a very hard time looking at her and was quick to leave the table.  Then, (and I have only just heard this today), Monica tried to go find her and talk to her.  With my four year old on her back for a piggy ride, she found my mom and my 7year old daughter doing a puzzle.  She said she tried to make conversation, but was answered with quick one word answers and after a minute or two, they told her and my son to leave them alone so that they could do the puzzle!  As she put it, she said, "Stacy, I am just not used to having someone in essence, put their hand up and hold me at a distance."  She said it was so hard for her to approach my mom, so scary, and then just crushed her to be ignored.

Monica politely declined my offer to come to dinner with us and when I called her tonight, I could tell she had been crying.  She told me how hard it is to want to go talk to my mom, ask her what I was like as a child, laugh with her, share the joy of my kids with her, and she just felt so unwelcome! 
So yes, I am pissed that my mom would, although I know if was unintentional, hurt the love of my life and shut her out, but my anger is going deeper and deeper than that right now.  Monica's family has completely shut her out--she hasn't even heard from her parents in weeks! 

Interestingly, Monica was just telling me about a Dr. Phil show that she watched, and saved to DVR.  The gist of it was this:  a lady had been married for 18 years and suddenly falls head over heels for a woman.  Four years later, she is still married to the husband, who is aware of the situation and they are separated, but they haven't gotten a divorce because they are both wondering if this is some sort of a phase for her.  (Mind you, I haven't seen it yet, so this is all 2nd hand).  Dr. Phil then asks the woman if she can live without this other woman to which the answer is emphatically NO.  So he then says to the husband something to the effect of, "Okay, so this is where she is now......this is not a phase for her.....this is her life, who she is.  This is not something that she has chosen, any more than you can  choose to be in love with a man.  It simply is...and it wouldn't be fair to anyone for her to pretend that this isn't who she is and stay with you."  But for years, the woman, her husband, and presumably the other woman, have been in limbo, unable to move forward in their lives.  And nobody in that situation would have picked this type of emotional turmoil, this inner stalemate!  Nobody selected it!  How tragic for ALL involved. 

And that's what is starting to really make me mad......this has been the most life altering, and in many ways, tragic discovery of my life!!! I mourn when I see families eating out together, mom, dad, and kids, because I wanted that! I wanted a normal, happy, heterosexual family for my kids, for me!!  I didn't just say, "Hey, let me make life SUPER hard for me and everyone I love!"  Who does that?  I truly couldn't help it, honest.  I am a strong strong woman, and believe me, if I could have stopped it, I would have.  So, all of these people who are supposed to love us unconditionally, why are they so wrapped up in how THEY feel about this?  Not one person, (except believe it or not, my ex), has ever been concerned about how hard this is for me!!! For us!  No, because they are so damn wrapped up in how hard it is for them! And it's not even happening to them!  I am so sick and tired of tiptoeing around this situation worried about how it hard it will be for other people.....what about me????? It's MY situation!!

I gotta tell you, besides the five kids involved, I really don't care anymore one bit what anyone else has to say.  I am tired of it.....not once has anybody ever sat down with either of us and said, "Wow, this must be so hard for you to suddenly discover, while you are married and have kids and living in suburban America, that you're GAY!"  It's interesting really, we were just saying that a lot of people's true colors are showing these days.....we are finding out who our true friends are....and don't get me wrong, we do have ALOT of them.  But it's just sad that some of the people that you thought would always have your back, would always be there for you, just disappear in an instant.  Jerks!  Sorry, I might need to cry later, but for right now, I am just really angry.
 
My mom doesn't even realize what she is doing because if she doesn't act a little nicer tomorrow, this will be the last visit she makes up here.  She is pushing me away over something that ISN'T EVEN HER DEAL, and she is going to lose me and consequently, she will not get to see the kids as much.  That is so sad for her and for my kids.....well, and for me, since we all seek that unconditional love from our parents.  Why has she never once asked me how this has been for me?  Monica and I have been so worried about hurting other people, aren't we people too???  I mean, of course, the kids are still of the utmost concern, but helloooooooooo, WHAT ABOUT ME???!!!!!!

They're Heeeeeeere!

Well, Mom and Dad are here.  The tension is thick, but Mom is really trying........I think.  Last night Monica came over for an hour or so.....Mom is friendly, but I notice that she doesn't act like she would to another friend of mine, and she also doesn't act like she would to a boyfriend of mine.  She doesn't ask Monica about herself or how she is.....she's friendly enough, but doesn't instigate any conversation.  I guess I don't expect her to celebrate this if she doesn't believe it's right, but I would like her to at least try to celebrate my happiness, to appreciate that this woman treats her baby girl better than any man ever has, that here is a woman who loves me, builds me up, celebrates me.  I would want someone to do that for my kids and I don't care what sex they are or what color they are, or any of that nonsense. 
Sometimes my mom is just so narrowminded.  She really is quite hypocritical if I do say so.  She is all about loving others as Jesus does, but she doesn't actually do this......she just preaches it.  I dunno...I am rambling now with no structure whatsoever in this post.
Love my parents.....trying trying trying to enjoy the visit with them while my sweet dad still knows who I am. 

OMG! Mom and Dad coming to visit today!

Welp, mom and dad are coming today.  After about a three hour long discussion the other day about my "gayness" with my mom, who finally just said that she may never be okay with it but will be okay with me and would like to get to know Monica better, she is making the effort to come up here into my world.  She even asked about my girl on the phone yesterday! So, I will certainly give her an A for effort!
It was interesting when Monica and I were watching "The Real L Word" series on HBO, there was a girl, Tracie, whose mom was also reallly struggling to accept that her daughter was a lesbian.  She kept saying that maybe Tracie was "confused".  Sad to see that it had been like three years since she had come out to her mom and she couldn't even really talk about her girlfriend on the phone to her. 
My own girlfriend recently told her parents what was going on.  They live clear accross the country so she was able to sort of hide her impending divorce until their separation was well under way.  Her parents told her how much they love her and they were naturally shocked and sad for her.  I am sure they are fearful of her future as it was a stable, albeit lonely one, with her husband.  This was several weeks ago--they haven't spoken with her since. 
I guess it is hard for me because I understand the shock that must be going through everyone's head.  People think that we are having some sort of a midlife crisis or something.  Who knows? Maybe we are!  But I know this--we are great loving moms and would NEVER EVER in a million years so drastically shake the foundation of our children's lives over some fleeting confused idea.  People seem to think that we just got together one day and said, "Hey, I gotta great idea! Let's become lesbians!  Cool!"  Hardly! This has not been without months of sleepless nights, heartache, tears, panic attacks, you name it.  Our lives are irretrievably altered.  And the ripples are fast and far reaching.
But what we both feel like screaming to the world is "Hello! It's me!  See! I am still me!" 
Oh, btw, I haven't put this in here because I simply skip around like stream of consciousness, but I was actually fired from teaching Sunday school because they had heard a rumor (from my ex-husband's small group) that I was gay--and I wasn't even out to the public at all!  They must think I am a danger to small children!  Well, that is the stupidest thing I ever heard in my life--because if they took out all the people in the church who sin, not only would there be nobody serving in that church, but they would have no parishioners either! It's not like I was showing up to teach Sunday school in rainbow gear!  Nobody even knew about it except my ex husband, his PI who followed us around, and Monica!  Absurd! Way to go, Northpoint Community Church!  Stupid!
So, gear up for mom.  Excited to see her--I just hope she doesn't drink to much because then she might not be able to help launching into a moral discussion of my current choices.    Pray for me!

Abomination

"If a man lies with a male as he lies with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination. They shall surely be put to death. Their blood shall be upon them." (Leviticus 20:13)

This is one of the scriptures that people often cite to say that God abhors homosexuality.  Despite my own faith which has been very strong for at least a decade, and which I have had off and on much of my life, I haven't ever been able to make sense out of this belief.  When I was much younger, my thought was, "God made gay people too", but that doesn't really hold any water for me anymore.  After all, God made pedophiles and serial killers too, but I am quite certain that those behavoirs are sinful.  I am also of the belief that God doesn't want us to be promiscuous with anyone, that our bodies are temples of His Holy Spirit, and we are to care for them and not defile them, which I am certain I do every time I drink too much beer.  And I am also completely certain that the wonderful Lord frowns upon adultery, as it is one of the 10 rules that He personally gave to Moses. 
However, in regard to homosexual intimacy between two adults in love, here is my take.  C.S. Lewis said something like this, but not word for word, cuz I don't remember it ver batim. "We aren't bodies who have souls, we are souls who have bodies."  If you are a Christian, then you believe that we are souls, precious souls, whom the Lord our God seeks a personal relationship with, regardless of our the flesh container that we inhabit on this earth.  If you have ever been deeply in love, I ask you this........If something were to happen to the flesh container of your love, (it became crippled in a car crash, it's skin was badly burned and scarred, etc.) would you stop being in love with that person?  Of course not! Because you are not in love with a body, a flesh container.  Rather, you are in love with the soul, the essence of the person inhabiting that body.  Then doesn't it stand to reason that one can simply fall in love with another's soul, and perhaps that soul can just happen to inhabit a body that is of the same sex? 
Don't get me wrong......I love Monica's body (oh, do I!), but if she were to suddenly grow a male appendage tomorrow, I wouldn't love her any less............it is SHE whom I love.  It is the person, the soul, whom I adore with all my being.....whom I know that God created as a perfect companion for me. 
Another thing about homosexuality being a sin.......what about those poor souls who are born into the body of a hermaphodite?  Yes, it happens.  Persons born with both male and female parts.  According to many fundamentalist Christians, are they simply to be abstinant, without experiencing the pleasure of physical love for their entire lives?  Would God abhor those people having intimate physical relations with ANYONE?  Because sex with any other person would technically constitute homosexuality.  Unless of course, their parents chose a gender for them as infants and they had surgery.  Then, could anyone blame them if their desires went the other way?  Not the way the parents might have hoped when they picked a gender in this poor person's infancy?  Stupid!
Well, I've got plenty more to say on this issue......I could go round and round on it.  I have always been pro-gay marriage, even as right wing as I am.  I simply never thought I would be defending this stance because it affects me in such a personal way.......I am gay, as of right now--how in the hell did that happen????  No mind, how, I thank God everyday for putting her in my life, as hard as it has been.........and He and I talk quite often.............He loves me and I know that I am no abomination.

Coming out to Family Continued

Well, so I just got off of my nightly phone call with Monica.  We are so silly! Since we can't be together in the evenings, after my kids go to bed, we stay on the phone for hours just "being together".  She is starting to feel the pressure of all of this.....her husband is starting to spell out to her his vision for how this divorce should go down, and she is feeling the need to tell her kids the truth about us.  She has always been their rock, their only parent really, since her husband travels for weeks at a time and always has.  Even when he is home, he is so unaccustomed to being there that it was always too hard to reinsert himself into their world and routine and so he simply remained unplugged.  Still this is what her kids know, this is their world, and it is about to come crashing down.

Wow! As I write those words, I can hardly breathe, thinking that what we have done and that our desire to be together has and will cause so much pain to so many people.  Why does this perfect beautiful love have to hurt people?  Her kids know that their parents are probably going to get a divorce.....if I had to guess, they probaby suspect that their mom is having an affair, but they have not asked any questions.  Last January, when she first spoke to her husband and explained everything that was going on, he was understandably devastated.  Out of respect for his pain, she offered to leave the house and went to stay in a cheap motel for a few days.  This was completely shocking for her boys, of course, because they are accustomed to their mom being the one who is always home, not their dad being there and she being gone!  When asked where she was, too shaken to completely hide all of the crisis, he simply told them that some very bad things were happening in their marriage.  She started getting texts from them, not phone calls, saying "Mom, what is going on? Come hom!"  The fact that they simply wouldn't call shows their fear of really getting the information they seek.  She did have a talk with her kids the next day and explained to them that sometimes people just fall out of love and that she simply wasn't in love with him anymore.  They were confused, obviously, hurt, and I would imagine very scared.

To teenage boys, I would imagine, their initial thought is, "If they get a divorce, what will my life look like?"  And seven months later, they still have no andwer to that question.  They can see obviously that things have not been mended between their parents--when dad is in town, they don't sleep together, and mom often times goes out.  They probably are terrified and yet do not ask because the answer might be scarier than the unknown.  It makes me sick to my stomach to think of how they are going to take this.  I can't even imagine how Monica must feel!  With my kids, they are so young so it was much easier. 

She has always been so close with both of them, and honest with them.  She describes now this distance in their relationships, and she knows that the root of it is that she is living a part of life that is kept secret from them, that she is having to almost decieve the two people she loves most in this world.  For this reason, it pulls at her to come clean, to make some sense out of all of this to them. They will have a lot of emotions initially, and they are not gonna be pretty! I try to imagine how I would feel if I was one of them, and I can't really, but the one word that really keeps coming into my mind is......PISSED!!!!!!!!!!

I almost wish that I could undo this......now that we are where we are, I can't even contemplate living a life without her in it, and I would never be able to initiate a breakup, even if it was in her best interest. Maybe  I am selfish, or maybe that's just survival instinct.  I think it would be close to impossible to navigate a world that didn't include her.  Still, I tell her quite often......I would understand and completely respect her decision in this is too much for her to go through.  I would hope and pray that it all works out for her and her family if she tries to make a go of it.  But God willing, if it comes to that, I have asked her to inform me of this at a time when my kids are with their dad, because I would not be able to take care of them for a while.......I would be irrepairably CRUSHED! 

On that note, I am starting to get very heavy in my chest writing this--big emotions washing over me again and again like a persistant tide coming in and bringing in a crop of thick murky seaweed ..... feeling sad, guilty, scared, and very panicky as I know that this "talk" with her kids is simply days or weeks away.  The therapist we consulted gave her some good advice on how to handle this...and the rest is in God's hands.

Heavy heart, heavy eyelids.....Ima go find some great solace in my slumber.....I actually love going to sleep because the minute I drift off, there she is waiting for me and we spend the whole night together in my dreams, in some very bizarre adventures indeed! Man, dreams are so weird!

Coming out to Family

This has been the most challenging thing of all for us on this crazy wild ride.  Falling in love is easy, fun, exhilerating, like taking the best drug in the world.  Being with her is nothing but euphoric.  It is the pain, reactions, confusion that this ellicits in our family members that brings us crashing back down again. 

The first person of our two families to be told about this situation was probably my sister. Well, acutally, she is one of the people that I told about my "girl crush" when I was consumed with butterflies, goosebumps, nausea even, on a minutely basis bcause I couldn't get my girlfiend out of my mind.  Shoot, let's call her something here so that she has a name.  From now on we will call her Monica.  Anyway, I would call my sister, who by the way is a very Christian woman and takes very seriously her walk with Jesus (she is one of the rare ones who really lives it day by day), and tell her "I am totally freaking out! I am practically obsessed with this woman and I can't get her out of my head!" My sister kept saying, "Well, you probably just admire her and you are mistaking that feeling for lust.  Maybe you should make friends with her and you will discover that she is just a regular person and all this will go away.....I mean, she is after all, a woman.  It's not like you're gay or anything." 

So fast forward many months (I swear I am gonna fill you in on that sometime), and my sister and I are talking on the phone about whether or not a should take my newly estranged husband back.  To tell the truth, there was a real pull to do that in the beginning.  As mean as he was, it was familiar--I knew what that life was, and I knew that finacially I would be taken care of.  I also had no idea that Monica would ever want to be with me--after all she was married (some-what happily as far as I knew), and we were close friends at this point, but I always knew I completely insanely in love with her.  So I told my sister, "Even if he changed, I don't see how I could go on and be with him.......because I am in love with someone else."  And she simply asked me "Is it a man or a woman?"  She was very understanding about everything, telling me that while her beliefs were that God did not condone homosexuality, He still loved me and that as long as I loved and accepted Him, she was not concerned for my soul."  Let me just tell the whole world right now that I have the greatest sister on the planet!  She IS Christianity. She never judges, she simply embodies the type of love that Christ would want us to give to everyone.  After all, he dined with prostitutes and tax collectors.

Next was coming out to my mom.  Uuuugh!  That was pretty bad.  First of all, let me say that my mom is also fundamentalist Christian, but is very narrow minded and judging when it comes to her family.  She is not so much that way among her friend, but expects greater things from her family.  She also has some wierd phsycho obsession with me that I totally can't figure out.  It's like some sort of co-dependance.  It's completely bizarre and makes things difficult for my sister and for me.  My mom is also a mild alcoholic, but in her defense, she is laden with my sweet dad who has Alzheimer's, and I think that if there was ever a time to crave the escape that one can get in a bottle of wine, it would be in the evenings following a long day spent caring for the man who was once the love of your life, who once was a lawyer and now can only recite nursery rhymes.  By way of example of just how straight my mother is, she refused ever to watch the movie "Brokeback Mountain" because she doesn't "condone that type of behavior".  To which my response was, "I don't condone organized crime, but The Godfather was an excellent movie."

Anyway, I would not have told her about Monica and me until much later, but the trouble is that around January of last year, my estranged husband decided to try to catch me having an affair so that he could blackmail me into taking less of a settlement in our pending divorce.  So, he hired a private investigator to spy on me for several weeks.  It's funny because I wondered why he was suddenly so interested in having the kids spend time with him.....usually he was too busy to deal with them.  But he would schedule time with the kids and then have his PI tail me wherever I went.  So to make a long story short, the PI apparently got some comprimising stuff on video.  When my ex (heretofor referred to as X --me trying to sound lawyer-y) confronted me with what he had on me, I broke down and admitted that yes, I was in love with her, yes, we were having an affair, and yes, at this point, I am probably gay.  This was really hard for me to admit, because first of all, I know that X loved me in the only way that a sick person can, but he loved me nonetheless.  And I loved him to some degree.  As much as he caused me pain (on purpose), I would have given just about anything at that moment not to hurt him, for this to be painless for him.  But there it was in all its truth and intensity.....I was completey and totally in love with Monica. 

So, on to my mother.  X kept asking me over the next several days, smirking, as if the thought of this was so overwhelmingly amusing, "Have you told your mom yet?"  Since X is known to be very reckless and impulsive, I felt the urgency to tell my mother, at least to some small degree, what was happening before he did. 

Let me backtrack for a quick moment to say that my mom was at first in favor of my divorce.  She had received texts too often "If I die, he did it." and had gotten too many calls from me in tears, scared for my life.  I had taken my kids and flown home to her several times over the years, fleeing the abuse.  So she was at first very supportive.  Then X started talking to her. He had experienced a conversion and had become a believer, something we had all prayed for for years.  And my mother was convinced that now that he was a believer in Christ, all would be right and good in our marriage if I took him back. (Turns out he devil and God can in fact coexist in someone's heart--story for another time). 

However, as my mom had put it, "Maybe things might work out for you. This breakup has brought X to his knees and he has literally catapulted straight into the arms of Jesus."  I said to her simply, "Mom, that is the most wonderful thing.  You know I have prayed for that for years, and I care about him and love him and want him to be a follower of Christ, but even so, I can't go back to him.  I am in love with someone else and it's Monica."  ..............Total silence..............................deep inhale on her end........................slow exhale with accompanying whimper.................."I guess I sort of knew that," she said.  The disappointment in her voice was thick, and I immediately felt a heavy barrier go up between us--not slowly, stone by stone, but a massive wall that seemed to suddenly drop out of the sky and thud to the ground with an earthshaking rattle, right smack in between us.  That wall is still there......it is late August.

We speak often now on the phone, mom and I.  But we didn't speak for several weeks after that day.  She would send me emails and texts, but couldn't bring herself to call.  When she did begin calling again, she never asked about Monica, not "how is she?", nothing.  I tried to be understanding, to realize that she is morally against this love.  Monica and I reminded ourselves that we had already had several months to deal with this and that to my mom, this was new information, the death of her dreams of who I would become, almost in a sense the stamp of the Devil Himself on my forehead.  And yet, like all children, my heart screamed out for her to celebrate this with me!  I had finally found my home--Monica was my soul mate, my best friend, my lover, the person who loved me and built me up, who supported me without reserve, who thought I was beautiful and smart and funny and wonderfrul.  She was finally somebody who was FOR me, and not AGAINST me, like X had been for so long.  She was my biggest fan!  Oh, please Mom, can't you see how happy she makes me????  Can't you see the light that has turned on inside me, after years of a tiny flicker in a terrifying darkness?  Don't you want me to be happy?

I have tried to understand my mom's position, but as a mother, I think I would simply want for my daughter to be happy.  Of course, I think her life would be easier if she could be happy with a man, but if she finds this spectacular love, this pure unbridled joy, and it is with a woman, I will toast to them both!  Things are getting better, mom is coming around.  She still doesn't often ask about Monica on the phone, which I know she would if Monica were male, but when she comes to visit, she is forced to see her since in my home, my girlfriend is always wanted.  I hope for her sake and the sake of our relationship that she does come around.  The fact that I am with Monica now is not negotiable.....it is happening and it makes me happier and more hopeful about life than I have ever been.  But I would love to have my mom on board with me.........I miss her.

There's tons more on this "coming out to family" stuff, how my kids are taking it, etc.,  but I will have to do a "to be cont'd" because my fingeres are tired and I need another cup of coffee and then a lesiurely perch upon the potty to start the morning off right! ;)

My Current Fears

I have a lot of fear right now.   While I no longer fear that I will make my ex mad at me, and I no longer jump at his every command, and I certainly don't have the off and on fear that if I don't put one of my kids to sleep in my bed, he is more likely to kill me, I have fears, lots of them, anyway.  I am afraid that my girlfriends' teenage kids will hate us, that when they find out the anger that is inevitable will make them hurt her.  My fear is that they will feel abandoned, embarrassed, angry, hurt, guilty even, as if somehow this were their fault.  I know they will also feel fear- fear about what their lives will look like now, fear that other kids will make fun of them for having a gay mom.  Tomorrow we visit the lesbian therapist we are consulting who specializes in same sex couples and children.  Hopefully, she can guide us and impart to my love some wisdom that she can use to approach this with her kids.  And of course, she will need to be armed with God.....His infinite love will surround those kids and collect their tears until their is joy and laughter in their lives once more.

I know that my daughter already fears this, since she knows what is going on.  When she said, "Mommy, I am just afraid that some of the kids won't like me if they know," I simply said, "If you met a nice little girl that you really liked and then found out that she had two dads, would you not wanna be her friend?" and she said, "Of course I would still wanna be her friend! That's silly!"  So I explained that her heart was simply pure and filled with a love like Jesus had for people, and that while some other kids might not be so understanding, she should simply pray for God to soften their hearts. 

I fear that my own kids will grow up with that constant hurt in their hearts that they ache for their parents to be together, as ugly as they knew that it was.....that their home will not ever feel complete because they have two of them.  I can't imagine how this would feel because my own parents are still together.  But I also know that my fears for my own kids are less than they were when I was married to their dad.  Then I had the fear that perhaps he would kill me and they would lose their mother, that they would see him hurt me as they did that one time he hit me and choked me and after a failed attempt to call 911, they ran to the neighbors.  I feared that they would have learned that men are supposed to treat women badly, and that my boys would do this to their wives, and my daughter would learn to be a battered wife. 

I am afraid that I will not be able to make a living and support my kids.  After all, a lot of the reason I never left him before was because I didn't know how I was going to support myself.  It's terrifying!

I am afraid for my girlfriend to have to go through with the remainder of her divorce.  It hurts like hell, and that's the truth!  If there is anyway to avoid it, people should try to stay married, simply because it is so emotionally hard to end a marriage, and is an aboslute tragedy if their are children involved.  I tell her this all the time.....that if she decides to go and make it work with her husband (from whom she has been separated for 8 months now), that as devastated as I will be, I will respect that and understand.  That ultimately, I want her and her children to be as happy as they can be.  So why don't I simply walk away from her and tell her to work on her marriage?  Wouldn't that be the noble and honorable, Christian thing to do?  Absolutely!  And yet I can no more do that than I can will myself to stop breathing.  If someone cut off my air supply, I might accept this death, welcome it even if it were to protect someone that I love, but I couldn't voluntarily cut her from my life any more than I could hold my own breath until I died.  It simply is not in my power to do so.  So I continue on....in selfish sin, feeling guilty, praying for forgiveness, but knowing as I bow my head and ask Him for it, that I have no intention of letting her go.....

And yes, I fear for my own heart.  I fear that if that becomes her choice, that I will not have the strength to pick myself back up......and I will have to find some sort of gratitude for having had this magic, as fleeting as it may turn out to be. 

Oh and btw, I am not gonan bother editing this stuff......let this just be my stream of consciousness journaling for now.  

Fillin' readers in on my crazy life to date.

So, I have no idea who would ever be reading this, especially since I am probably not going to share this with any of my friends.  My girlfriend is not out yet with her kids, and the extended family units who are aware are still totally wigging out.  So let me catch you (whoever you may be) up to speed. 

I just got a divorce about three months ago from a husband who was never very nice to me.  One might say that he was abusive, although to be fair, he really only hit me once.  Mostly it was a lot of name calling, insults, controlling me, keeping me isolated from friends and family.  I don't hate him at all.....he grew up in this type of environment and clearly thinks it's how husbands are supposed to treat their wives.  But all the while I was married, I knew I wanted out.  I used to play the lottery and think, "If I win this, I will give him half and then I will tell him I am leaving him."  Or when I would play the HGTV dreamhouse giveaway sweepstakes, I used to dream that I would win it and move away from him.  I thought this could never be, because I had three very small children (babies, actually), and also, I just knew that if I left him, he would probably kill me.  Also, if I am truthful to myself, I had nothing to leave for, no one to run to. 

Then, I met HER..............how we met will be for another day, because if I laid out the details, I would be alluding too much to her identity and it is a touchy subject with her kids still not knowing what is going on.  But I will say that never, in 36 years, has any other human being had such an immediate hold over me as she did from the moment I saw her across the room.  Every cell in my body was electrified! My heart rate quickened and I knew that I had to get out of there......I had to run and to never look back! And yet she was like a megaton tesla magnet and I was some teeny tiny paperclip, powerless go away, drawn like I had never been drawn to someone before.  I felt completely sucked in.....and we never even said hello to eachother.  It was at that moment, that I knew that there was such thing as love at first sight...that one can have just some KNOWING, that she was new and familiar all at the same time and that just her presence in the building gave me the biggest JOLT I had ever felt.  And it wasn't just intrigue, it wasn't just complete fascination, it was a sensation that made me feel things, naughty things, in parts of my body where no one else, especially no woman, should ever make a married woman feel. 
I began to pray on this everyday.....you see, I have a strong faith in God, and specifically in Jesus as my personal savior....so I began to pray fervently for God to take these impure thoughts from my head.  I stayed away from her as much as I could, and if I saw her approaching me, I would turn the other way and wait until she had passed before I continued on.  But the more I stayed away and the more I prayed about this, the more constant thoughts of her, mental images of her smile and the way her eyes light up, the spring in her step like she almost bounces on the balls of her feet, the more constant they became in my mind....they were relentless! And it wasn't just those sweet thoughts.  I thought of touching her body, I thought of kissing her perfect curvy red lips, and these thoughts didn't even stay that tame during my unconscious mind while I dreamt at night.  To tell the truth, they plagued me.  So I did what any good Christian woman would do....I stayed away from her and I shared with many people the crazy lust that I was feeling, almost as my own guardrail.  Surely I wouldn't ever act on this, not with a woman, not while I was married, not if I told everyone about how I felt.  And I came to discover that she was married too!
The unbelievable tale of how exactly we came together will spill out in here eventually, but to simply bring this potential reader (who in the hell is reading this anyway?) up to date, suffice to say that over time, quite a long and tumultous time, we fell completely for eachother.  I like the phrase "falling" for eachother because that is precisely what happened. I almost have an image of the two of us tumbling down a hill, like in the Old Mother Goose book, that has an illustration of Jack and Jill tumbling down the hill.  I like this image because that is how powerless we both felt to stop what we knew was wrong, what we knew would inevitably break hearts (perhaps one day, even our own hearts), what we knew would crumble the pretenses of two stable happy marriages to the outside world.  But to be completely honest, I do think it was out of our control.  And I continued to pray to the Lord throughout this whole ordeal, and while I know that He doesn't want me to be doing these things, that He would want families to stay together (even abusive ones), that He wants the marriage vows made in His precious name honored.........I know that He is still here, with me.  I feel His presence when I pray, I feel His love.  And strange as it may sound, all through this insanity, this heartbreak, He closed many doors, slammed them actually, and every single time one closed, without fail, another one opened........straight to her.