The first time ever I saw her face....

Monica and I were just talking last night about what it is like falling in love.............it's strange, so many times people go out looking for it....isn't that what dating around is? It's like shopping for a mate, trying one after another, seeing how it feels, how it fits.  I think it is simply human nature to want to be in a romantic, loving relationship.  It is quite obviously one of the biggest, most powerful emotions there is.  That's why almost all songs are written about it, poetry is written about it, etc.  We long for it, and when it hits, it is truly a feeling that is completely intoxicating, euphoric, better than any drug, and we will do whatever we have to do to keep feeling it.  And what's so funny is that you can't create it, you can't bring it, you can't find it......it really finds YOU!  And when it does, you realize how powerless and little you really are........like a heroin addict against his dope, you don't stand a chance.

The first time I ever saw Monica I was shaken to my core.  Literally, my knees weakened, somewhere in my body some chemical was emitted, like some sort of adrenaline shot that made my heart pound-- every cell in my body awakened and stood alert.  I was so confused......here was this tiny little lady with her black choppy haircut, her combat boots, studded cuff on her wrist.  She couldn't have been 100 pounds dripping wet......she bounced around in those combat boots like she walked with a spring on the balls of her feet.  She walked quickly and with a purpose, and when those pretty almond shaped brown eyes, perfectly outlined in dramatic make-up, looked up and spotted someone she knew, that angelic face lit up like a Christmas tree and those sensuous  curvy red lips spread into the cutest grin......complete with one beautiful crooked pearly white tooth on one side of her top row.  My heart did flip flops......funny thing is almost two years later it still does.  Sometimes even now, when I look at her, she takes my breath right outta me, like I am seeing her that first day all over again.  While I wanted to run out of that room because I was terrified of how I was feeling, I also felt like I just wanted to be in her presence, all at the same time.  I couldn't take my eyes off her, and I couldn't walk away.  Still, it would be months before we ever even spoke.

Little steps to our one day......stepping, stepping, wanna JUMP, but stepping....

Well, things are moving along in the direction of us being together.  It's so hard though, even still!  She is over there just a couple of miles away with her estranged husband in town, everybody in that house just going through the normal motions and yet they ALL know what is going on.   The boys are trying to act normal to their mom, have always had a somewhat strained relationship with their dad, from what I gather, and she and I just meet together when we can and talk of the phone any other moment we can steal away.   I know that in a year or so, I will have to work full time and she will quite soon get busy with her stuff, but for now, I cherish so much the moments when we are simply together.....not even really doing much, but just in the same spot, talking, laughing, saying nothing. 

My daughter is doing better--they LOVE their dad's new girlfiriend and they LOVE my girlfiriend too, as wierd as it may seem to my daughter.  Monica's boys are not saying much about it, just moving along.  This weekend we have a photo shoot of a new line of fitness clothing she is designing and her son will be there to take some pics.  He has taken up a hobby of photography, which is a nice healthy activitiy for him and he will accompany the photographer this weekend to take some of his own shots.  It gonna be a lil wierd.....showing so much skin in front of this kid, who now doesnt' see me as "mom's friend", but as "mom's girlfriend".  The last thing I wanna do is have him seeing me in any sexy light since he for sure doesn't wanna think about me and his mom in any way like that!  Plus, I feel a little nervous around him now.  Don't really know how to act now that I know that he knows.

It's weird, because she is so integrated into my world......she comes over alot, hangs out with my kids, etc.  But since she and her husband, although seperated, are still in the same house, I never go over there.  I don't know her kids nearly as much as she knows mine, and I probably never will.  After all, they are teenagers so they aren't chomping at the bit to hang with their parents anyway, even in a normal situation.  I look forward to the day when our lives can be integrated......waiting is so hard, but I know that I would wait forever if that's what it took.  She is so amazing........................aaaaaaah.  I didn't fall in love with her, past tense, but I just continue falling deeper and deeper in love with her every day.  That love is huge, thorough, so special....like my best friend, my greatest confidante and fan, my lover, and the object of my every base desire....all rolled into one!  Like the best treat I ever had.....my personal narcotic.

"New" Mom....not mine, ME!

Well, I think I write for both Monica and myself when I say that a HUGE weight has been lifted off of us.  I mean seriously we have been so stressed out about her boys finding out, how they would take it, if they would find out in some horrible way......we imagined that it would be like pulling the rug right out from under them.  We have been living with this fear for so many months now that both of us don't even know how to handle NOT having the fear. 

It's strange....I think she is going through the same thought process I went through when I first told my kids, although our situations are totally different.  My kids are so young that it wasn't embarrasing at all...well, at least not for my boys.  But I did have this feeling like it was something that was now branded into me.....that whatever they thought of it, even if I became straight next year (would NEVER happen), I am now forever changed in their eyes.  I have become the "gay mom" to them.  While I am the same mommy, they will always see me in a slightly different light. 

I guess its like the same as when my daughter asked me what sex was.  I was so clever that I answered, "Oh, it means whether or not you are a boy or a girl....so when a form in school asks for your sex, you and I would put 'female' and the boys would put 'male'."   However she then went to tell me, "Well, Heather from my class told me it is when a man and woman make a baby and the man sticks his penis in a girl's vagina."..............................I think I must've felt as shocked as my mom did when I told her I was gay......NOT the conversation I was planning to have with my SEVEN YEAR OLD!!!!!!  "Well," I said, "Actually, yes, it is also that" at which point her eyes grew as big as saucers and she responded, "Did you and Daddy do that??????!!!"  So, after confirming that yes we did, she said, "Did you have to do that three times?" and I said, "Yep, I sure did."  Her expression immediately clouded over with disdain and she said, "Mommy, that is so gross!"  And I knew that the image of me was forever changed in her mind. 
So, now not only am I someone who has had sex three times in her eyes, but I am also someone who wants to "smooch with a girl".  Oh well, eventually, all kids discover that their parents, whom they adore, are just imperfect humans. 

For Monica, since her boys are much older, I think they have a different concept of our relationship since they maybe can guess more about the physical side of it.  Funny, I have had people ask me, "What exactly do you do?" and my reply was, "Everything you do with your husband that doesn't involve that part."  But I also know that even if that creeps into her sons' heads, all kids detest and are sickened by the thought that their parents ever even think about sex so.....whatya gonna do? 

So, we are settling into "gay mommy" mode.   Trying it on for size, getting used to it.  Damn, I would try on just about anything if it meant I could be with her....................

The Boys Know.....................

Well, it's official......her boys are in the know about us.  Funny, we have been sweating this one for several months.  We have prayed and worried and made ourselves near sick....and we come to find out THEY ALREADY KNEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  She had planned to tell them sometime this week, before the end of September.  Then, we ran into a friend of her younger son's dad (the friend's dad, that is) at a party on Saturday night.  He mentioned that his son had told him about us and that he got this information directly from her son!  Needless to say, we were stunned!  So she went home and thought a lot.  I thought a lot too.  Our thoughts were these:  1.  they obviously know, but for how long had they been sitting in this? 2. for however long they have known, they have still acted like they love her.  3. her oldest son still kept the necklace around his neck that I gave him, and even thanked me for a birthday present, so they don't hate me  4.  they can't be completely ashamed if one of them shared the news with a friend. 

The next day she told them that they needed to have a talk and to meet back at the house at a certain time.  The oldest son sent a text a while later stating that he wanted to stay at a friends house a while longer and jam (he's a musician), and then the text went something like this...."if this talk is about you and Stacy's relationship, I already know and it's no big deal..."   Well, of course, there were still things to be discussed so she summoned him home a while later and opened a discussion forum with her kids about us.  Both just shrugged their shoulders and said it was okay, they love their mom, they like me just fine, and that it just wasn't such a big thing!!! She stated very clearly so that they would not think this was some crazy phase or something that we are IN LOVE, that this relationship is here to STAY.  She told them this would not directly affect what their lives would look like in the short term, and then they all hugged!  CAN YOU BELIEVE IT???????  What amazing kids! 

Now we aren't totally naive to think that there won't arise some negative feelings in the future about this.  But all this time we had worried they would scream, yell, be unable to function, be hit as if with a boulder crushing their whole world!  Perhaps it is beccause they already knew.....they had been able to process this slowly, probably not believing it, but finally admitting to themselves that yes, this must be what is really happening.  I don't know.  But I know we prayed our asses off and God answered.  He somehow, in his Infinite Grace, spared those boys from the devastation that this might have created.  I also attribute it to her wonderful upbringing of such sweet, tolerant, wise and accepting young men.  She is an inspiring mom, to be sure.  God, I love her so much!

Random............

Well, things are getting so busy now.....thought with school starting it woud get easier and it has, but all those afterschool activities get crazy! Seriously, I think that parents have a tendency to overschedule their kids these days.  I really think kids need a couple of days a week when they can come home from school and do nothing but homework, play in the yard, even veg in front of the tube if they want, make something from an old box. I am a huge proponent of providing opportunities and structure and consistantly, but they need to also learn that life doesn't have to be at top speed ALL THE TIME! 

My ex was the most fun and exhausting person to vacation with.  He would have every single moment of our vacations booked to the point of utter chaos!  They were always fun, but I would return feeling as if I needed to take a vacation after the exhaustion of my vacation!  LOL  I love that about Monica.  She loves to relax, she isn't always expecting me to be accomplishing something 24/7.  In fact, we love to park our butts on the sofa and snuggle and watch tv for hours.  It's so refreshing! Good thing, too, because we gonna be so poor when our men are outta the pic, we need to not have  expensive tastes. 

I have turned down many job interviews this year......I really really wanted to teach! (I am a certified teacher in Chem, math, physics), but I felt that on the three days a week after school that I have my kids, I wanted to actually HAVE my kdis.  I wanted tto be there to see them off to school, help them with homework, take them to their activities. They deserve that, at least this year for sure, after all they have been through with this divorce and stuff.   I know that my turn will come, but it is a short time that I have them young and can make such a difference in their world. 

Kids are a constant sacrifice.  They are worth it, but it is constant.  When I divorced my ex, I knew he would fight me for the money, at any cost to the kids, which is a tragedy.   Instead of fighting for my half, I just settled for way less and we are now able to be friendly, which is so important for them.  I knew that his money meant a world more to him than we did......oh well.  You can't take it with you when you're gone...

Monica's oldest son will be 18 in a few days.  How exciting for him! His court appearance was uneventful and he will not have to have  any major punishment inflicted on him (praise God!).  I think so much of that kid! We haven't had a chance to get to know eachother a TON, but I have had the privilege of sharing some of his teenage-ness with him a bit.  What a trip he is! Not just his age--I love teenagers, used to teach them, yada yada. But he is quite a personality!  Amusing, full of life, smart as hell.....great great kid! I think she is gonna tell them soon....after his birthday.  If not, she should for sure wait til after the holidays since it would be too close and would ruin their holidays.  Probably will ruin them anyway.....I feel so bad! I would never wanna hurt somebody or destroy someone's family! 

None of this situation makes any sense, not any of it! If I were an outsider, I would shake my head and say, "Now, that is just not right!"  It defies all logic.  But all I need is to take one look at her, that pretty face, that smile, those eyes, and that is really all the logic I need to have.....I am home.

Mommies in love.....................

Aaaaaaaaaaahhh, I had the most fantastic 24 hours with my girl.  So amazing!  We didn't really do anything except sit around snugglin', eating great food, drinking wine...........such a perfect day. Then when the time for her to leave starts approaching, I start getting a little bit sad.  I know it's silly, but I miss her in an almost physical way when she walks out that door.  I know she is just a few miles down the road, being with her kids, and I am here with mine. 

Oh, how I wish we could simply integrated our lives!  But I know that for now, and probably several years into the future, it simply will not be possible.  Her boys will have a long road ahead when she decides to tell them.  I wonder when she will feel that the time is right to do that?  In a way, it's something I want her to put off forever.  In another way, it's something I wish she would do NOW, and just get it over with.....let the process begin for them.  They know their parents marriage is practically over....they are probably scared, wondering what life will look like for them, but they are also too scared to ask.  I am sure, however, that in their wildest imagination, they are not picturing their future with a gay mom.  I also know that they will HATE me, at least for a time, hopefully not forever.  I also am pretty sure that when she tells them, things will, for a duration, look differently for her and me, that she won't be able to simply tell them, "I am going off to Stacy's house" and then come over here!

Her older son has a court appearance today and I have been praying that it will all be okay.  He's been in some minor trouble, teenage stuff, but troubling still, to be sure.  She is such a strong woman, such an amazing mom. I hurt to see her having to deal with this stuff, taking her boy to court.  It scares me for him too, because he is a very unique and special kid, so smart and funny, so full of life and huge potential.....I don't want to see his future crippled by any stupid mistakes he's made and was unfortunate enough to get caught. 

There's so much else on my mind..........but sittin her is making me sleepy, despite the coffee I am drinking, and there's no time for sleepiness.  It's shower, get kids fed and off to school time, then hittin' the gym, studying, pickin up kids, soccer practice, tutoring a kid in math, dinner, bath, and beddy-bye time.  Then, maybe I can relax and tell you all the other wierdness.

So beautiful...........

I love Monica.....I don't just love her, I really really LOVE her.  I love the way she smells.  I love the tone of her voice, kind of raspy but so feminine too.  I love her laughter and the things that make her laugh.  I love her curvy soft lips and her white teeth, with that one crooked one, her snaggletooth, so cute, so sexy.  I love her cheekbones and her dark almond shaped eyes.  I love staring into them, they are so dynamic...sometimes a deep dark brown, other times sparkling like a reddish Indian brown.  I love her eyelashes, so dark and curling upward.  I love the shape of her nose and I love the pink birthmark on her cheek that I can sometimes see peeking through her makeup.  I love the heartshaped freckle on her other cheek.  I love the sprinkling of freckles on her shoulders and chest.  Her arms are so strong and defined, but curvy and feminine too.  I love the curves in her body......she is so toned and still so soft.  Her skin is like silk and is always so warm.  I love it when she lays her body down on mine....she is so dainty and soft and warm, and she smells so good, like flowers in the sun.  She is so intoxicating, like the best drug I ever did.  But the best, the very best is just looking in those brown eyes.....oh, those eyes! They are the most beautiful exotic, alluring eyes I ever saw, and I get lost every time I look in them.  There are sometimes that I simply can't look because I know when I do, I won't be able to look away...I am stuck, sucked in........those are the prettiest eyes in the world.