Well, I think I write for both Monica and myself when I say that a HUGE weight has been lifted off of us. I mean seriously we have been so stressed out about her boys finding out, how they would take it, if they would find out in some horrible way......we imagined that it would be like pulling the rug right out from under them. We have been living with this fear for so many months now that both of us don't even know how to handle NOT having the fear.
It's strange....I think she is going through the same thought process I went through when I first told my kids, although our situations are totally different. My kids are so young that it wasn't embarrasing at all...well, at least not for my boys. But I did have this feeling like it was something that was now branded into me.....that whatever they thought of it, even if I became straight next year (would NEVER happen), I am now forever changed in their eyes. I have become the "gay mom" to them. While I am the same mommy, they will always see me in a slightly different light.
I guess its like the same as when my daughter asked me what sex was. I was so clever that I answered, "Oh, it means whether or not you are a boy or a girl....so when a form in school asks for your sex, you and I would put 'female' and the boys would put 'male'." However she then went to tell me, "Well, Heather from my class told me it is when a man and woman make a baby and the man sticks his penis in a girl's vagina."..............................I think I must've felt as shocked as my mom did when I told her I was gay......NOT the conversation I was planning to have with my SEVEN YEAR OLD!!!!!! "Well," I said, "Actually, yes, it is also that" at which point her eyes grew as big as saucers and she responded, "Did you and Daddy do that??????!!!" So, after confirming that yes we did, she said, "Did you have to do that three times?" and I said, "Yep, I sure did." Her expression immediately clouded over with disdain and she said, "Mommy, that is so gross!" And I knew that the image of me was forever changed in her mind.
So, now not only am I someone who has had sex three times in her eyes, but I am also someone who wants to "smooch with a girl". Oh well, eventually, all kids discover that their parents, whom they adore, are just imperfect humans.
For Monica, since her boys are much older, I think they have a different concept of our relationship since they maybe can guess more about the physical side of it. Funny, I have had people ask me, "What exactly do you do?" and my reply was, "Everything you do with your husband that doesn't involve that part." But I also know that even if that creeps into her sons' heads, all kids detest and are sickened by the thought that their parents ever even think about sex so.....whatya gonna do?
So, we are settling into "gay mommy" mode. Trying it on for size, getting used to it. Damn, I would try on just about anything if it meant I could be with her....................
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