Well, so I just got off of my nightly phone call with Monica. We are so silly! Since we can't be together in the evenings, after my kids go to bed, we stay on the phone for hours just "being together". She is starting to feel the pressure of all of this.....her husband is starting to spell out to her his vision for how this divorce should go down, and she is feeling the need to tell her kids the truth about us. She has always been their rock, their only parent really, since her husband travels for weeks at a time and always has. Even when he is home, he is so unaccustomed to being there that it was always too hard to reinsert himself into their world and routine and so he simply remained unplugged. Still this is what her kids know, this is their world, and it is about to come crashing down.
Wow! As I write those words, I can hardly breathe, thinking that what we have done and that our desire to be together has and will cause so much pain to so many people. Why does this perfect beautiful love have to hurt people? Her kids know that their parents are probably going to get a divorce.....if I had to guess, they probaby suspect that their mom is having an affair, but they have not asked any questions. Last January, when she first spoke to her husband and explained everything that was going on, he was understandably devastated. Out of respect for his pain, she offered to leave the house and went to stay in a cheap motel for a few days. This was completely shocking for her boys, of course, because they are accustomed to their mom being the one who is always home, not their dad being there and she being gone! When asked where she was, too shaken to completely hide all of the crisis, he simply told them that some very bad things were happening in their marriage. She started getting texts from them, not phone calls, saying "Mom, what is going on? Come hom!" The fact that they simply wouldn't call shows their fear of really getting the information they seek. She did have a talk with her kids the next day and explained to them that sometimes people just fall out of love and that she simply wasn't in love with him anymore. They were confused, obviously, hurt, and I would imagine very scared.
To teenage boys, I would imagine, their initial thought is, "If they get a divorce, what will my life look like?" And seven months later, they still have no andwer to that question. They can see obviously that things have not been mended between their parents--when dad is in town, they don't sleep together, and mom often times goes out. They probably are terrified and yet do not ask because the answer might be scarier than the unknown. It makes me sick to my stomach to think of how they are going to take this. I can't even imagine how Monica must feel! With my kids, they are so young so it was much easier.
She has always been so close with both of them, and honest with them. She describes now this distance in their relationships, and she knows that the root of it is that she is living a part of life that is kept secret from them, that she is having to almost decieve the two people she loves most in this world. For this reason, it pulls at her to come clean, to make some sense out of all of this to them. They will have a lot of emotions initially, and they are not gonna be pretty! I try to imagine how I would feel if I was one of them, and I can't really, but the one word that really keeps coming into my mind is......PISSED!!!!!!!!!!
I almost wish that I could undo this......now that we are where we are, I can't even contemplate living a life without her in it, and I would never be able to initiate a breakup, even if it was in her best interest. Maybe I am selfish, or maybe that's just survival instinct. I think it would be close to impossible to navigate a world that didn't include her. Still, I tell her quite often......I would understand and completely respect her decision in this is too much for her to go through. I would hope and pray that it all works out for her and her family if she tries to make a go of it. But God willing, if it comes to that, I have asked her to inform me of this at a time when my kids are with their dad, because I would not be able to take care of them for a while.......I would be irrepairably CRUSHED!
On that note, I am starting to get very heavy in my chest writing this--big emotions washing over me again and again like a persistant tide coming in and bringing in a crop of thick murky seaweed ..... feeling sad, guilty, scared, and very panicky as I know that this "talk" with her kids is simply days or weeks away. The therapist we consulted gave her some good advice on how to handle this...and the rest is in God's hands.
Heavy heart, heavy eyelids.....Ima go find some great solace in my slumber.....I actually love going to sleep because the minute I drift off, there she is waiting for me and we spend the whole night together in my dreams, in some very bizarre adventures indeed! Man, dreams are so weird!
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Coming out to Family
This has been the most challenging thing of all for us on this crazy wild ride. Falling in love is easy, fun, exhilerating, like taking the best drug in the world. Being with her is nothing but euphoric. It is the pain, reactions, confusion that this ellicits in our family members that brings us crashing back down again.
The first person of our two families to be told about this situation was probably my sister. Well, acutally, she is one of the people that I told about my "girl crush" when I was consumed with butterflies, goosebumps, nausea even, on a minutely basis bcause I couldn't get my girlfiend out of my mind. Shoot, let's call her something here so that she has a name. From now on we will call her Monica. Anyway, I would call my sister, who by the way is a very Christian woman and takes very seriously her walk with Jesus (she is one of the rare ones who really lives it day by day), and tell her "I am totally freaking out! I am practically obsessed with this woman and I can't get her out of my head!" My sister kept saying, "Well, you probably just admire her and you are mistaking that feeling for lust. Maybe you should make friends with her and you will discover that she is just a regular person and all this will go away.....I mean, she is after all, a woman. It's not like you're gay or anything."
So fast forward many months (I swear I am gonna fill you in on that sometime), and my sister and I are talking on the phone about whether or not a should take my newly estranged husband back. To tell the truth, there was a real pull to do that in the beginning. As mean as he was, it was familiar--I knew what that life was, and I knew that finacially I would be taken care of. I also had no idea that Monica would ever want to be with me--after all she was married (some-what happily as far as I knew), and we were close friends at this point, but I always knew I completely insanely in love with her. So I told my sister, "Even if he changed, I don't see how I could go on and be with him.......because I am in love with someone else." And she simply asked me "Is it a man or a woman?" She was very understanding about everything, telling me that while her beliefs were that God did not condone homosexuality, He still loved me and that as long as I loved and accepted Him, she was not concerned for my soul." Let me just tell the whole world right now that I have the greatest sister on the planet! She IS Christianity. She never judges, she simply embodies the type of love that Christ would want us to give to everyone. After all, he dined with prostitutes and tax collectors.
Next was coming out to my mom. Uuuugh! That was pretty bad. First of all, let me say that my mom is also fundamentalist Christian, but is very narrow minded and judging when it comes to her family. She is not so much that way among her friend, but expects greater things from her family. She also has some wierd phsycho obsession with me that I totally can't figure out. It's like some sort of co-dependance. It's completely bizarre and makes things difficult for my sister and for me. My mom is also a mild alcoholic, but in her defense, she is laden with my sweet dad who has Alzheimer's, and I think that if there was ever a time to crave the escape that one can get in a bottle of wine, it would be in the evenings following a long day spent caring for the man who was once the love of your life, who once was a lawyer and now can only recite nursery rhymes. By way of example of just how straight my mother is, she refused ever to watch the movie "Brokeback Mountain" because she doesn't "condone that type of behavior". To which my response was, "I don't condone organized crime, but The Godfather was an excellent movie."
Anyway, I would not have told her about Monica and me until much later, but the trouble is that around January of last year, my estranged husband decided to try to catch me having an affair so that he could blackmail me into taking less of a settlement in our pending divorce. So, he hired a private investigator to spy on me for several weeks. It's funny because I wondered why he was suddenly so interested in having the kids spend time with him.....usually he was too busy to deal with them. But he would schedule time with the kids and then have his PI tail me wherever I went. So to make a long story short, the PI apparently got some comprimising stuff on video. When my ex (heretofor referred to as X --me trying to sound lawyer-y) confronted me with what he had on me, I broke down and admitted that yes, I was in love with her, yes, we were having an affair, and yes, at this point, I am probably gay. This was really hard for me to admit, because first of all, I know that X loved me in the only way that a sick person can, but he loved me nonetheless. And I loved him to some degree. As much as he caused me pain (on purpose), I would have given just about anything at that moment not to hurt him, for this to be painless for him. But there it was in all its truth and intensity.....I was completey and totally in love with Monica.
So, on to my mother. X kept asking me over the next several days, smirking, as if the thought of this was so overwhelmingly amusing, "Have you told your mom yet?" Since X is known to be very reckless and impulsive, I felt the urgency to tell my mother, at least to some small degree, what was happening before he did.
Let me backtrack for a quick moment to say that my mom was at first in favor of my divorce. She had received texts too often "If I die, he did it." and had gotten too many calls from me in tears, scared for my life. I had taken my kids and flown home to her several times over the years, fleeing the abuse. So she was at first very supportive. Then X started talking to her. He had experienced a conversion and had become a believer, something we had all prayed for for years. And my mother was convinced that now that he was a believer in Christ, all would be right and good in our marriage if I took him back. (Turns out he devil and God can in fact coexist in someone's heart--story for another time).
However, as my mom had put it, "Maybe things might work out for you. This breakup has brought X to his knees and he has literally catapulted straight into the arms of Jesus." I said to her simply, "Mom, that is the most wonderful thing. You know I have prayed for that for years, and I care about him and love him and want him to be a follower of Christ, but even so, I can't go back to him. I am in love with someone else and it's Monica." ..............Total silence..............................deep inhale on her end........................slow exhale with accompanying whimper.................."I guess I sort of knew that," she said. The disappointment in her voice was thick, and I immediately felt a heavy barrier go up between us--not slowly, stone by stone, but a massive wall that seemed to suddenly drop out of the sky and thud to the ground with an earthshaking rattle, right smack in between us. That wall is still there......it is late August.
We speak often now on the phone, mom and I. But we didn't speak for several weeks after that day. She would send me emails and texts, but couldn't bring herself to call. When she did begin calling again, she never asked about Monica, not "how is she?", nothing. I tried to be understanding, to realize that she is morally against this love. Monica and I reminded ourselves that we had already had several months to deal with this and that to my mom, this was new information, the death of her dreams of who I would become, almost in a sense the stamp of the Devil Himself on my forehead. And yet, like all children, my heart screamed out for her to celebrate this with me! I had finally found my home--Monica was my soul mate, my best friend, my lover, the person who loved me and built me up, who supported me without reserve, who thought I was beautiful and smart and funny and wonderfrul. She was finally somebody who was FOR me, and not AGAINST me, like X had been for so long. She was my biggest fan! Oh, please Mom, can't you see how happy she makes me???? Can't you see the light that has turned on inside me, after years of a tiny flicker in a terrifying darkness? Don't you want me to be happy?
I have tried to understand my mom's position, but as a mother, I think I would simply want for my daughter to be happy. Of course, I think her life would be easier if she could be happy with a man, but if she finds this spectacular love, this pure unbridled joy, and it is with a woman, I will toast to them both! Things are getting better, mom is coming around. She still doesn't often ask about Monica on the phone, which I know she would if Monica were male, but when she comes to visit, she is forced to see her since in my home, my girlfriend is always wanted. I hope for her sake and the sake of our relationship that she does come around. The fact that I am with Monica now is not negotiable.....it is happening and it makes me happier and more hopeful about life than I have ever been. But I would love to have my mom on board with me.........I miss her.
There's tons more on this "coming out to family" stuff, how my kids are taking it, etc., but I will have to do a "to be cont'd" because my fingeres are tired and I need another cup of coffee and then a lesiurely perch upon the potty to start the morning off right! ;)
The first person of our two families to be told about this situation was probably my sister. Well, acutally, she is one of the people that I told about my "girl crush" when I was consumed with butterflies, goosebumps, nausea even, on a minutely basis bcause I couldn't get my girlfiend out of my mind. Shoot, let's call her something here so that she has a name. From now on we will call her Monica. Anyway, I would call my sister, who by the way is a very Christian woman and takes very seriously her walk with Jesus (she is one of the rare ones who really lives it day by day), and tell her "I am totally freaking out! I am practically obsessed with this woman and I can't get her out of my head!" My sister kept saying, "Well, you probably just admire her and you are mistaking that feeling for lust. Maybe you should make friends with her and you will discover that she is just a regular person and all this will go away.....I mean, she is after all, a woman. It's not like you're gay or anything."
So fast forward many months (I swear I am gonna fill you in on that sometime), and my sister and I are talking on the phone about whether or not a should take my newly estranged husband back. To tell the truth, there was a real pull to do that in the beginning. As mean as he was, it was familiar--I knew what that life was, and I knew that finacially I would be taken care of. I also had no idea that Monica would ever want to be with me--after all she was married (some-what happily as far as I knew), and we were close friends at this point, but I always knew I completely insanely in love with her. So I told my sister, "Even if he changed, I don't see how I could go on and be with him.......because I am in love with someone else." And she simply asked me "Is it a man or a woman?" She was very understanding about everything, telling me that while her beliefs were that God did not condone homosexuality, He still loved me and that as long as I loved and accepted Him, she was not concerned for my soul." Let me just tell the whole world right now that I have the greatest sister on the planet! She IS Christianity. She never judges, she simply embodies the type of love that Christ would want us to give to everyone. After all, he dined with prostitutes and tax collectors.
Next was coming out to my mom. Uuuugh! That was pretty bad. First of all, let me say that my mom is also fundamentalist Christian, but is very narrow minded and judging when it comes to her family. She is not so much that way among her friend, but expects greater things from her family. She also has some wierd phsycho obsession with me that I totally can't figure out. It's like some sort of co-dependance. It's completely bizarre and makes things difficult for my sister and for me. My mom is also a mild alcoholic, but in her defense, she is laden with my sweet dad who has Alzheimer's, and I think that if there was ever a time to crave the escape that one can get in a bottle of wine, it would be in the evenings following a long day spent caring for the man who was once the love of your life, who once was a lawyer and now can only recite nursery rhymes. By way of example of just how straight my mother is, she refused ever to watch the movie "Brokeback Mountain" because she doesn't "condone that type of behavior". To which my response was, "I don't condone organized crime, but The Godfather was an excellent movie."
Anyway, I would not have told her about Monica and me until much later, but the trouble is that around January of last year, my estranged husband decided to try to catch me having an affair so that he could blackmail me into taking less of a settlement in our pending divorce. So, he hired a private investigator to spy on me for several weeks. It's funny because I wondered why he was suddenly so interested in having the kids spend time with him.....usually he was too busy to deal with them. But he would schedule time with the kids and then have his PI tail me wherever I went. So to make a long story short, the PI apparently got some comprimising stuff on video. When my ex (heretofor referred to as X --me trying to sound lawyer-y) confronted me with what he had on me, I broke down and admitted that yes, I was in love with her, yes, we were having an affair, and yes, at this point, I am probably gay. This was really hard for me to admit, because first of all, I know that X loved me in the only way that a sick person can, but he loved me nonetheless. And I loved him to some degree. As much as he caused me pain (on purpose), I would have given just about anything at that moment not to hurt him, for this to be painless for him. But there it was in all its truth and intensity.....I was completey and totally in love with Monica.
So, on to my mother. X kept asking me over the next several days, smirking, as if the thought of this was so overwhelmingly amusing, "Have you told your mom yet?" Since X is known to be very reckless and impulsive, I felt the urgency to tell my mother, at least to some small degree, what was happening before he did.
Let me backtrack for a quick moment to say that my mom was at first in favor of my divorce. She had received texts too often "If I die, he did it." and had gotten too many calls from me in tears, scared for my life. I had taken my kids and flown home to her several times over the years, fleeing the abuse. So she was at first very supportive. Then X started talking to her. He had experienced a conversion and had become a believer, something we had all prayed for for years. And my mother was convinced that now that he was a believer in Christ, all would be right and good in our marriage if I took him back. (Turns out he devil and God can in fact coexist in someone's heart--story for another time).
However, as my mom had put it, "Maybe things might work out for you. This breakup has brought X to his knees and he has literally catapulted straight into the arms of Jesus." I said to her simply, "Mom, that is the most wonderful thing. You know I have prayed for that for years, and I care about him and love him and want him to be a follower of Christ, but even so, I can't go back to him. I am in love with someone else and it's Monica." ..............Total silence..............................deep inhale on her end........................slow exhale with accompanying whimper.................."I guess I sort of knew that," she said. The disappointment in her voice was thick, and I immediately felt a heavy barrier go up between us--not slowly, stone by stone, but a massive wall that seemed to suddenly drop out of the sky and thud to the ground with an earthshaking rattle, right smack in between us. That wall is still there......it is late August.
We speak often now on the phone, mom and I. But we didn't speak for several weeks after that day. She would send me emails and texts, but couldn't bring herself to call. When she did begin calling again, she never asked about Monica, not "how is she?", nothing. I tried to be understanding, to realize that she is morally against this love. Monica and I reminded ourselves that we had already had several months to deal with this and that to my mom, this was new information, the death of her dreams of who I would become, almost in a sense the stamp of the Devil Himself on my forehead. And yet, like all children, my heart screamed out for her to celebrate this with me! I had finally found my home--Monica was my soul mate, my best friend, my lover, the person who loved me and built me up, who supported me without reserve, who thought I was beautiful and smart and funny and wonderfrul. She was finally somebody who was FOR me, and not AGAINST me, like X had been for so long. She was my biggest fan! Oh, please Mom, can't you see how happy she makes me???? Can't you see the light that has turned on inside me, after years of a tiny flicker in a terrifying darkness? Don't you want me to be happy?
I have tried to understand my mom's position, but as a mother, I think I would simply want for my daughter to be happy. Of course, I think her life would be easier if she could be happy with a man, but if she finds this spectacular love, this pure unbridled joy, and it is with a woman, I will toast to them both! Things are getting better, mom is coming around. She still doesn't often ask about Monica on the phone, which I know she would if Monica were male, but when she comes to visit, she is forced to see her since in my home, my girlfriend is always wanted. I hope for her sake and the sake of our relationship that she does come around. The fact that I am with Monica now is not negotiable.....it is happening and it makes me happier and more hopeful about life than I have ever been. But I would love to have my mom on board with me.........I miss her.
There's tons more on this "coming out to family" stuff, how my kids are taking it, etc., but I will have to do a "to be cont'd" because my fingeres are tired and I need another cup of coffee and then a lesiurely perch upon the potty to start the morning off right! ;)
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
My Current Fears
I have a lot of fear right now. While I no longer fear that I will make my ex mad at me, and I no longer jump at his every command, and I certainly don't have the off and on fear that if I don't put one of my kids to sleep in my bed, he is more likely to kill me, I have fears, lots of them, anyway. I am afraid that my girlfriends' teenage kids will hate us, that when they find out the anger that is inevitable will make them hurt her. My fear is that they will feel abandoned, embarrassed, angry, hurt, guilty even, as if somehow this were their fault. I know they will also feel fear- fear about what their lives will look like now, fear that other kids will make fun of them for having a gay mom. Tomorrow we visit the lesbian therapist we are consulting who specializes in same sex couples and children. Hopefully, she can guide us and impart to my love some wisdom that she can use to approach this with her kids. And of course, she will need to be armed with God.....His infinite love will surround those kids and collect their tears until their is joy and laughter in their lives once more.
I know that my daughter already fears this, since she knows what is going on. When she said, "Mommy, I am just afraid that some of the kids won't like me if they know," I simply said, "If you met a nice little girl that you really liked and then found out that she had two dads, would you not wanna be her friend?" and she said, "Of course I would still wanna be her friend! That's silly!" So I explained that her heart was simply pure and filled with a love like Jesus had for people, and that while some other kids might not be so understanding, she should simply pray for God to soften their hearts.
I fear that my own kids will grow up with that constant hurt in their hearts that they ache for their parents to be together, as ugly as they knew that it was.....that their home will not ever feel complete because they have two of them. I can't imagine how this would feel because my own parents are still together. But I also know that my fears for my own kids are less than they were when I was married to their dad. Then I had the fear that perhaps he would kill me and they would lose their mother, that they would see him hurt me as they did that one time he hit me and choked me and after a failed attempt to call 911, they ran to the neighbors. I feared that they would have learned that men are supposed to treat women badly, and that my boys would do this to their wives, and my daughter would learn to be a battered wife.
I am afraid that I will not be able to make a living and support my kids. After all, a lot of the reason I never left him before was because I didn't know how I was going to support myself. It's terrifying!
I am afraid for my girlfriend to have to go through with the remainder of her divorce. It hurts like hell, and that's the truth! If there is anyway to avoid it, people should try to stay married, simply because it is so emotionally hard to end a marriage, and is an aboslute tragedy if their are children involved. I tell her this all the time.....that if she decides to go and make it work with her husband (from whom she has been separated for 8 months now), that as devastated as I will be, I will respect that and understand. That ultimately, I want her and her children to be as happy as they can be. So why don't I simply walk away from her and tell her to work on her marriage? Wouldn't that be the noble and honorable, Christian thing to do? Absolutely! And yet I can no more do that than I can will myself to stop breathing. If someone cut off my air supply, I might accept this death, welcome it even if it were to protect someone that I love, but I couldn't voluntarily cut her from my life any more than I could hold my own breath until I died. It simply is not in my power to do so. So I continue on....in selfish sin, feeling guilty, praying for forgiveness, but knowing as I bow my head and ask Him for it, that I have no intention of letting her go.....
And yes, I fear for my own heart. I fear that if that becomes her choice, that I will not have the strength to pick myself back up......and I will have to find some sort of gratitude for having had this magic, as fleeting as it may turn out to be.
Oh and btw, I am not gonan bother editing this stuff......let this just be my stream of consciousness journaling for now.
I know that my daughter already fears this, since she knows what is going on. When she said, "Mommy, I am just afraid that some of the kids won't like me if they know," I simply said, "If you met a nice little girl that you really liked and then found out that she had two dads, would you not wanna be her friend?" and she said, "Of course I would still wanna be her friend! That's silly!" So I explained that her heart was simply pure and filled with a love like Jesus had for people, and that while some other kids might not be so understanding, she should simply pray for God to soften their hearts.
I fear that my own kids will grow up with that constant hurt in their hearts that they ache for their parents to be together, as ugly as they knew that it was.....that their home will not ever feel complete because they have two of them. I can't imagine how this would feel because my own parents are still together. But I also know that my fears for my own kids are less than they were when I was married to their dad. Then I had the fear that perhaps he would kill me and they would lose their mother, that they would see him hurt me as they did that one time he hit me and choked me and after a failed attempt to call 911, they ran to the neighbors. I feared that they would have learned that men are supposed to treat women badly, and that my boys would do this to their wives, and my daughter would learn to be a battered wife.
I am afraid that I will not be able to make a living and support my kids. After all, a lot of the reason I never left him before was because I didn't know how I was going to support myself. It's terrifying!
I am afraid for my girlfriend to have to go through with the remainder of her divorce. It hurts like hell, and that's the truth! If there is anyway to avoid it, people should try to stay married, simply because it is so emotionally hard to end a marriage, and is an aboslute tragedy if their are children involved. I tell her this all the time.....that if she decides to go and make it work with her husband (from whom she has been separated for 8 months now), that as devastated as I will be, I will respect that and understand. That ultimately, I want her and her children to be as happy as they can be. So why don't I simply walk away from her and tell her to work on her marriage? Wouldn't that be the noble and honorable, Christian thing to do? Absolutely! And yet I can no more do that than I can will myself to stop breathing. If someone cut off my air supply, I might accept this death, welcome it even if it were to protect someone that I love, but I couldn't voluntarily cut her from my life any more than I could hold my own breath until I died. It simply is not in my power to do so. So I continue on....in selfish sin, feeling guilty, praying for forgiveness, but knowing as I bow my head and ask Him for it, that I have no intention of letting her go.....
And yes, I fear for my own heart. I fear that if that becomes her choice, that I will not have the strength to pick myself back up......and I will have to find some sort of gratitude for having had this magic, as fleeting as it may turn out to be.
Oh and btw, I am not gonan bother editing this stuff......let this just be my stream of consciousness journaling for now.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Fillin' readers in on my crazy life to date.
So, I have no idea who would ever be reading this, especially since I am probably not going to share this with any of my friends. My girlfriend is not out yet with her kids, and the extended family units who are aware are still totally wigging out. So let me catch you (whoever you may be) up to speed.
I just got a divorce about three months ago from a husband who was never very nice to me. One might say that he was abusive, although to be fair, he really only hit me once. Mostly it was a lot of name calling, insults, controlling me, keeping me isolated from friends and family. I don't hate him at all.....he grew up in this type of environment and clearly thinks it's how husbands are supposed to treat their wives. But all the while I was married, I knew I wanted out. I used to play the lottery and think, "If I win this, I will give him half and then I will tell him I am leaving him." Or when I would play the HGTV dreamhouse giveaway sweepstakes, I used to dream that I would win it and move away from him. I thought this could never be, because I had three very small children (babies, actually), and also, I just knew that if I left him, he would probably kill me. Also, if I am truthful to myself, I had nothing to leave for, no one to run to.
Then, I met HER..............how we met will be for another day, because if I laid out the details, I would be alluding too much to her identity and it is a touchy subject with her kids still not knowing what is going on. But I will say that never, in 36 years, has any other human being had such an immediate hold over me as she did from the moment I saw her across the room. Every cell in my body was electrified! My heart rate quickened and I knew that I had to get out of there......I had to run and to never look back! And yet she was like a megaton tesla magnet and I was some teeny tiny paperclip, powerless go away, drawn like I had never been drawn to someone before. I felt completely sucked in.....and we never even said hello to eachother. It was at that moment, that I knew that there was such thing as love at first sight...that one can have just some KNOWING, that she was new and familiar all at the same time and that just her presence in the building gave me the biggest JOLT I had ever felt. And it wasn't just intrigue, it wasn't just complete fascination, it was a sensation that made me feel things, naughty things, in parts of my body where no one else, especially no woman, should ever make a married woman feel.
I began to pray on this everyday.....you see, I have a strong faith in God, and specifically in Jesus as my personal savior....so I began to pray fervently for God to take these impure thoughts from my head. I stayed away from her as much as I could, and if I saw her approaching me, I would turn the other way and wait until she had passed before I continued on. But the more I stayed away and the more I prayed about this, the more constant thoughts of her, mental images of her smile and the way her eyes light up, the spring in her step like she almost bounces on the balls of her feet, the more constant they became in my mind....they were relentless! And it wasn't just those sweet thoughts. I thought of touching her body, I thought of kissing her perfect curvy red lips, and these thoughts didn't even stay that tame during my unconscious mind while I dreamt at night. To tell the truth, they plagued me. So I did what any good Christian woman would do....I stayed away from her and I shared with many people the crazy lust that I was feeling, almost as my own guardrail. Surely I wouldn't ever act on this, not with a woman, not while I was married, not if I told everyone about how I felt. And I came to discover that she was married too!
The unbelievable tale of how exactly we came together will spill out in here eventually, but to simply bring this potential reader (who in the hell is reading this anyway?) up to date, suffice to say that over time, quite a long and tumultous time, we fell completely for eachother. I like the phrase "falling" for eachother because that is precisely what happened. I almost have an image of the two of us tumbling down a hill, like in the Old Mother Goose book, that has an illustration of Jack and Jill tumbling down the hill. I like this image because that is how powerless we both felt to stop what we knew was wrong, what we knew would inevitably break hearts (perhaps one day, even our own hearts), what we knew would crumble the pretenses of two stable happy marriages to the outside world. But to be completely honest, I do think it was out of our control. And I continued to pray to the Lord throughout this whole ordeal, and while I know that He doesn't want me to be doing these things, that He would want families to stay together (even abusive ones), that He wants the marriage vows made in His precious name honored.........I know that He is still here, with me. I feel His presence when I pray, I feel His love. And strange as it may sound, all through this insanity, this heartbreak, He closed many doors, slammed them actually, and every single time one closed, without fail, another one opened........straight to her.
I just got a divorce about three months ago from a husband who was never very nice to me. One might say that he was abusive, although to be fair, he really only hit me once. Mostly it was a lot of name calling, insults, controlling me, keeping me isolated from friends and family. I don't hate him at all.....he grew up in this type of environment and clearly thinks it's how husbands are supposed to treat their wives. But all the while I was married, I knew I wanted out. I used to play the lottery and think, "If I win this, I will give him half and then I will tell him I am leaving him." Or when I would play the HGTV dreamhouse giveaway sweepstakes, I used to dream that I would win it and move away from him. I thought this could never be, because I had three very small children (babies, actually), and also, I just knew that if I left him, he would probably kill me. Also, if I am truthful to myself, I had nothing to leave for, no one to run to.
Then, I met HER..............how we met will be for another day, because if I laid out the details, I would be alluding too much to her identity and it is a touchy subject with her kids still not knowing what is going on. But I will say that never, in 36 years, has any other human being had such an immediate hold over me as she did from the moment I saw her across the room. Every cell in my body was electrified! My heart rate quickened and I knew that I had to get out of there......I had to run and to never look back! And yet she was like a megaton tesla magnet and I was some teeny tiny paperclip, powerless go away, drawn like I had never been drawn to someone before. I felt completely sucked in.....and we never even said hello to eachother. It was at that moment, that I knew that there was such thing as love at first sight...that one can have just some KNOWING, that she was new and familiar all at the same time and that just her presence in the building gave me the biggest JOLT I had ever felt. And it wasn't just intrigue, it wasn't just complete fascination, it was a sensation that made me feel things, naughty things, in parts of my body where no one else, especially no woman, should ever make a married woman feel.
I began to pray on this everyday.....you see, I have a strong faith in God, and specifically in Jesus as my personal savior....so I began to pray fervently for God to take these impure thoughts from my head. I stayed away from her as much as I could, and if I saw her approaching me, I would turn the other way and wait until she had passed before I continued on. But the more I stayed away and the more I prayed about this, the more constant thoughts of her, mental images of her smile and the way her eyes light up, the spring in her step like she almost bounces on the balls of her feet, the more constant they became in my mind....they were relentless! And it wasn't just those sweet thoughts. I thought of touching her body, I thought of kissing her perfect curvy red lips, and these thoughts didn't even stay that tame during my unconscious mind while I dreamt at night. To tell the truth, they plagued me. So I did what any good Christian woman would do....I stayed away from her and I shared with many people the crazy lust that I was feeling, almost as my own guardrail. Surely I wouldn't ever act on this, not with a woman, not while I was married, not if I told everyone about how I felt. And I came to discover that she was married too!
The unbelievable tale of how exactly we came together will spill out in here eventually, but to simply bring this potential reader (who in the hell is reading this anyway?) up to date, suffice to say that over time, quite a long and tumultous time, we fell completely for eachother. I like the phrase "falling" for eachother because that is precisely what happened. I almost have an image of the two of us tumbling down a hill, like in the Old Mother Goose book, that has an illustration of Jack and Jill tumbling down the hill. I like this image because that is how powerless we both felt to stop what we knew was wrong, what we knew would inevitably break hearts (perhaps one day, even our own hearts), what we knew would crumble the pretenses of two stable happy marriages to the outside world. But to be completely honest, I do think it was out of our control. And I continued to pray to the Lord throughout this whole ordeal, and while I know that He doesn't want me to be doing these things, that He would want families to stay together (even abusive ones), that He wants the marriage vows made in His precious name honored.........I know that He is still here, with me. I feel His presence when I pray, I feel His love. And strange as it may sound, all through this insanity, this heartbreak, He closed many doors, slammed them actually, and every single time one closed, without fail, another one opened........straight to her.
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