So, I have no idea who would ever be reading this, especially since I am probably not going to share this with any of my friends. My girlfriend is not out yet with her kids, and the extended family units who are aware are still totally wigging out. So let me catch you (whoever you may be) up to speed.
I just got a divorce about three months ago from a husband who was never very nice to me. One might say that he was abusive, although to be fair, he really only hit me once. Mostly it was a lot of name calling, insults, controlling me, keeping me isolated from friends and family. I don't hate him at all.....he grew up in this type of environment and clearly thinks it's how husbands are supposed to treat their wives. But all the while I was married, I knew I wanted out. I used to play the lottery and think, "If I win this, I will give him half and then I will tell him I am leaving him." Or when I would play the HGTV dreamhouse giveaway sweepstakes, I used to dream that I would win it and move away from him. I thought this could never be, because I had three very small children (babies, actually), and also, I just knew that if I left him, he would probably kill me. Also, if I am truthful to myself, I had nothing to leave for, no one to run to.
Then, I met HER..............how we met will be for another day, because if I laid out the details, I would be alluding too much to her identity and it is a touchy subject with her kids still not knowing what is going on. But I will say that never, in 36 years, has any other human being had such an immediate hold over me as she did from the moment I saw her across the room. Every cell in my body was electrified! My heart rate quickened and I knew that I had to get out of there......I had to run and to never look back! And yet she was like a megaton tesla magnet and I was some teeny tiny paperclip, powerless go away, drawn like I had never been drawn to someone before. I felt completely sucked in.....and we never even said hello to eachother. It was at that moment, that I knew that there was such thing as love at first sight...that one can have just some KNOWING, that she was new and familiar all at the same time and that just her presence in the building gave me the biggest JOLT I had ever felt. And it wasn't just intrigue, it wasn't just complete fascination, it was a sensation that made me feel things, naughty things, in parts of my body where no one else, especially no woman, should ever make a married woman feel.
I began to pray on this everyday.....you see, I have a strong faith in God, and specifically in Jesus as my personal savior....so I began to pray fervently for God to take these impure thoughts from my head. I stayed away from her as much as I could, and if I saw her approaching me, I would turn the other way and wait until she had passed before I continued on. But the more I stayed away and the more I prayed about this, the more constant thoughts of her, mental images of her smile and the way her eyes light up, the spring in her step like she almost bounces on the balls of her feet, the more constant they became in my mind....they were relentless! And it wasn't just those sweet thoughts. I thought of touching her body, I thought of kissing her perfect curvy red lips, and these thoughts didn't even stay that tame during my unconscious mind while I dreamt at night. To tell the truth, they plagued me. So I did what any good Christian woman would do....I stayed away from her and I shared with many people the crazy lust that I was feeling, almost as my own guardrail. Surely I wouldn't ever act on this, not with a woman, not while I was married, not if I told everyone about how I felt. And I came to discover that she was married too!
The unbelievable tale of how exactly we came together will spill out in here eventually, but to simply bring this potential reader (who in the hell is reading this anyway?) up to date, suffice to say that over time, quite a long and tumultous time, we fell completely for eachother. I like the phrase "falling" for eachother because that is precisely what happened. I almost have an image of the two of us tumbling down a hill, like in the Old Mother Goose book, that has an illustration of Jack and Jill tumbling down the hill. I like this image because that is how powerless we both felt to stop what we knew was wrong, what we knew would inevitably break hearts (perhaps one day, even our own hearts), what we knew would crumble the pretenses of two stable happy marriages to the outside world. But to be completely honest, I do think it was out of our control. And I continued to pray to the Lord throughout this whole ordeal, and while I know that He doesn't want me to be doing these things, that He would want families to stay together (even abusive ones), that He wants the marriage vows made in His precious name honored.........I know that He is still here, with me. I feel His presence when I pray, I feel His love. And strange as it may sound, all through this insanity, this heartbreak, He closed many doors, slammed them actually, and every single time one closed, without fail, another one opened........straight to her.
I think there is a book in the making!
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