I have a lot of fear right now. While I no longer fear that I will make my ex mad at me, and I no longer jump at his every command, and I certainly don't have the off and on fear that if I don't put one of my kids to sleep in my bed, he is more likely to kill me, I have fears, lots of them, anyway. I am afraid that my girlfriends' teenage kids will hate us, that when they find out the anger that is inevitable will make them hurt her. My fear is that they will feel abandoned, embarrassed, angry, hurt, guilty even, as if somehow this were their fault. I know they will also feel fear- fear about what their lives will look like now, fear that other kids will make fun of them for having a gay mom. Tomorrow we visit the lesbian therapist we are consulting who specializes in same sex couples and children. Hopefully, she can guide us and impart to my love some wisdom that she can use to approach this with her kids. And of course, she will need to be armed with God.....His infinite love will surround those kids and collect their tears until their is joy and laughter in their lives once more.
I know that my daughter already fears this, since she knows what is going on. When she said, "Mommy, I am just afraid that some of the kids won't like me if they know," I simply said, "If you met a nice little girl that you really liked and then found out that she had two dads, would you not wanna be her friend?" and she said, "Of course I would still wanna be her friend! That's silly!" So I explained that her heart was simply pure and filled with a love like Jesus had for people, and that while some other kids might not be so understanding, she should simply pray for God to soften their hearts.
I fear that my own kids will grow up with that constant hurt in their hearts that they ache for their parents to be together, as ugly as they knew that it was.....that their home will not ever feel complete because they have two of them. I can't imagine how this would feel because my own parents are still together. But I also know that my fears for my own kids are less than they were when I was married to their dad. Then I had the fear that perhaps he would kill me and they would lose their mother, that they would see him hurt me as they did that one time he hit me and choked me and after a failed attempt to call 911, they ran to the neighbors. I feared that they would have learned that men are supposed to treat women badly, and that my boys would do this to their wives, and my daughter would learn to be a battered wife.
I am afraid that I will not be able to make a living and support my kids. After all, a lot of the reason I never left him before was because I didn't know how I was going to support myself. It's terrifying!
I am afraid for my girlfriend to have to go through with the remainder of her divorce. It hurts like hell, and that's the truth! If there is anyway to avoid it, people should try to stay married, simply because it is so emotionally hard to end a marriage, and is an aboslute tragedy if their are children involved. I tell her this all the time.....that if she decides to go and make it work with her husband (from whom she has been separated for 8 months now), that as devastated as I will be, I will respect that and understand. That ultimately, I want her and her children to be as happy as they can be. So why don't I simply walk away from her and tell her to work on her marriage? Wouldn't that be the noble and honorable, Christian thing to do? Absolutely! And yet I can no more do that than I can will myself to stop breathing. If someone cut off my air supply, I might accept this death, welcome it even if it were to protect someone that I love, but I couldn't voluntarily cut her from my life any more than I could hold my own breath until I died. It simply is not in my power to do so. So I continue on....in selfish sin, feeling guilty, praying for forgiveness, but knowing as I bow my head and ask Him for it, that I have no intention of letting her go.....
And yes, I fear for my own heart. I fear that if that becomes her choice, that I will not have the strength to pick myself back up......and I will have to find some sort of gratitude for having had this magic, as fleeting as it may turn out to be.
Oh and btw, I am not gonan bother editing this stuff......let this just be my stream of consciousness journaling for now.
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