The first time ever I saw her face....

Monica and I were just talking last night about what it is like falling in love.............it's strange, so many times people go out looking for it....isn't that what dating around is? It's like shopping for a mate, trying one after another, seeing how it feels, how it fits.  I think it is simply human nature to want to be in a romantic, loving relationship.  It is quite obviously one of the biggest, most powerful emotions there is.  That's why almost all songs are written about it, poetry is written about it, etc.  We long for it, and when it hits, it is truly a feeling that is completely intoxicating, euphoric, better than any drug, and we will do whatever we have to do to keep feeling it.  And what's so funny is that you can't create it, you can't bring it, you can't find it......it really finds YOU!  And when it does, you realize how powerless and little you really are........like a heroin addict against his dope, you don't stand a chance.

The first time I ever saw Monica I was shaken to my core.  Literally, my knees weakened, somewhere in my body some chemical was emitted, like some sort of adrenaline shot that made my heart pound-- every cell in my body awakened and stood alert.  I was so confused......here was this tiny little lady with her black choppy haircut, her combat boots, studded cuff on her wrist.  She couldn't have been 100 pounds dripping wet......she bounced around in those combat boots like she walked with a spring on the balls of her feet.  She walked quickly and with a purpose, and when those pretty almond shaped brown eyes, perfectly outlined in dramatic make-up, looked up and spotted someone she knew, that angelic face lit up like a Christmas tree and those sensuous  curvy red lips spread into the cutest grin......complete with one beautiful crooked pearly white tooth on one side of her top row.  My heart did flip flops......funny thing is almost two years later it still does.  Sometimes even now, when I look at her, she takes my breath right outta me, like I am seeing her that first day all over again.  While I wanted to run out of that room because I was terrified of how I was feeling, I also felt like I just wanted to be in her presence, all at the same time.  I couldn't take my eyes off her, and I couldn't walk away.  Still, it would be months before we ever even spoke.

Little steps to our one day......stepping, stepping, wanna JUMP, but stepping....

Well, things are moving along in the direction of us being together.  It's so hard though, even still!  She is over there just a couple of miles away with her estranged husband in town, everybody in that house just going through the normal motions and yet they ALL know what is going on.   The boys are trying to act normal to their mom, have always had a somewhat strained relationship with their dad, from what I gather, and she and I just meet together when we can and talk of the phone any other moment we can steal away.   I know that in a year or so, I will have to work full time and she will quite soon get busy with her stuff, but for now, I cherish so much the moments when we are simply together.....not even really doing much, but just in the same spot, talking, laughing, saying nothing. 

My daughter is doing better--they LOVE their dad's new girlfiriend and they LOVE my girlfiriend too, as wierd as it may seem to my daughter.  Monica's boys are not saying much about it, just moving along.  This weekend we have a photo shoot of a new line of fitness clothing she is designing and her son will be there to take some pics.  He has taken up a hobby of photography, which is a nice healthy activitiy for him and he will accompany the photographer this weekend to take some of his own shots.  It gonna be a lil wierd.....showing so much skin in front of this kid, who now doesnt' see me as "mom's friend", but as "mom's girlfriend".  The last thing I wanna do is have him seeing me in any sexy light since he for sure doesn't wanna think about me and his mom in any way like that!  Plus, I feel a little nervous around him now.  Don't really know how to act now that I know that he knows.

It's weird, because she is so integrated into my world......she comes over alot, hangs out with my kids, etc.  But since she and her husband, although seperated, are still in the same house, I never go over there.  I don't know her kids nearly as much as she knows mine, and I probably never will.  After all, they are teenagers so they aren't chomping at the bit to hang with their parents anyway, even in a normal situation.  I look forward to the day when our lives can be integrated......waiting is so hard, but I know that I would wait forever if that's what it took.  She is so amazing........................aaaaaaah.  I didn't fall in love with her, past tense, but I just continue falling deeper and deeper in love with her every day.  That love is huge, thorough, so special....like my best friend, my greatest confidante and fan, my lover, and the object of my every base desire....all rolled into one!  Like the best treat I ever had.....my personal narcotic.

"New" Mom....not mine, ME!

Well, I think I write for both Monica and myself when I say that a HUGE weight has been lifted off of us.  I mean seriously we have been so stressed out about her boys finding out, how they would take it, if they would find out in some horrible way......we imagined that it would be like pulling the rug right out from under them.  We have been living with this fear for so many months now that both of us don't even know how to handle NOT having the fear. 

It's strange....I think she is going through the same thought process I went through when I first told my kids, although our situations are totally different.  My kids are so young that it wasn't embarrasing at all...well, at least not for my boys.  But I did have this feeling like it was something that was now branded into me.....that whatever they thought of it, even if I became straight next year (would NEVER happen), I am now forever changed in their eyes.  I have become the "gay mom" to them.  While I am the same mommy, they will always see me in a slightly different light. 

I guess its like the same as when my daughter asked me what sex was.  I was so clever that I answered, "Oh, it means whether or not you are a boy or a girl....so when a form in school asks for your sex, you and I would put 'female' and the boys would put 'male'."   However she then went to tell me, "Well, Heather from my class told me it is when a man and woman make a baby and the man sticks his penis in a girl's vagina."..............................I think I must've felt as shocked as my mom did when I told her I was gay......NOT the conversation I was planning to have with my SEVEN YEAR OLD!!!!!!  "Well," I said, "Actually, yes, it is also that" at which point her eyes grew as big as saucers and she responded, "Did you and Daddy do that??????!!!"  So, after confirming that yes we did, she said, "Did you have to do that three times?" and I said, "Yep, I sure did."  Her expression immediately clouded over with disdain and she said, "Mommy, that is so gross!"  And I knew that the image of me was forever changed in her mind. 
So, now not only am I someone who has had sex three times in her eyes, but I am also someone who wants to "smooch with a girl".  Oh well, eventually, all kids discover that their parents, whom they adore, are just imperfect humans. 

For Monica, since her boys are much older, I think they have a different concept of our relationship since they maybe can guess more about the physical side of it.  Funny, I have had people ask me, "What exactly do you do?" and my reply was, "Everything you do with your husband that doesn't involve that part."  But I also know that even if that creeps into her sons' heads, all kids detest and are sickened by the thought that their parents ever even think about sex so.....whatya gonna do? 

So, we are settling into "gay mommy" mode.   Trying it on for size, getting used to it.  Damn, I would try on just about anything if it meant I could be with her....................