What about ME???????!!!!!

Well, Monica is literally in tears, and I am just PISSED!  Well, I actually think I got her to feelin a little better and she has probably gone off to sleep now, but here I am in my house, awake.....blood boiling.  Nothing explosive took place, but last night (I think I already posted some of this) my mom was.....sorta cold shoulder a little bit to my girl.  She was not outright rude, but not nearly as polite as she would have been if.....well, really...some stranger came in off the street for dinner!  She never asked her about herself, her kids, her work, anything.  In fact, she had a very hard time looking at her and was quick to leave the table.  Then, (and I have only just heard this today), Monica tried to go find her and talk to her.  With my four year old on her back for a piggy ride, she found my mom and my 7year old daughter doing a puzzle.  She said she tried to make conversation, but was answered with quick one word answers and after a minute or two, they told her and my son to leave them alone so that they could do the puzzle!  As she put it, she said, "Stacy, I am just not used to having someone in essence, put their hand up and hold me at a distance."  She said it was so hard for her to approach my mom, so scary, and then just crushed her to be ignored.

Monica politely declined my offer to come to dinner with us and when I called her tonight, I could tell she had been crying.  She told me how hard it is to want to go talk to my mom, ask her what I was like as a child, laugh with her, share the joy of my kids with her, and she just felt so unwelcome! 
So yes, I am pissed that my mom would, although I know if was unintentional, hurt the love of my life and shut her out, but my anger is going deeper and deeper than that right now.  Monica's family has completely shut her out--she hasn't even heard from her parents in weeks! 

Interestingly, Monica was just telling me about a Dr. Phil show that she watched, and saved to DVR.  The gist of it was this:  a lady had been married for 18 years and suddenly falls head over heels for a woman.  Four years later, she is still married to the husband, who is aware of the situation and they are separated, but they haven't gotten a divorce because they are both wondering if this is some sort of a phase for her.  (Mind you, I haven't seen it yet, so this is all 2nd hand).  Dr. Phil then asks the woman if she can live without this other woman to which the answer is emphatically NO.  So he then says to the husband something to the effect of, "Okay, so this is where she is now......this is not a phase for her.....this is her life, who she is.  This is not something that she has chosen, any more than you can  choose to be in love with a man.  It simply is...and it wouldn't be fair to anyone for her to pretend that this isn't who she is and stay with you."  But for years, the woman, her husband, and presumably the other woman, have been in limbo, unable to move forward in their lives.  And nobody in that situation would have picked this type of emotional turmoil, this inner stalemate!  Nobody selected it!  How tragic for ALL involved. 

And that's what is starting to really make me mad......this has been the most life altering, and in many ways, tragic discovery of my life!!! I mourn when I see families eating out together, mom, dad, and kids, because I wanted that! I wanted a normal, happy, heterosexual family for my kids, for me!!  I didn't just say, "Hey, let me make life SUPER hard for me and everyone I love!"  Who does that?  I truly couldn't help it, honest.  I am a strong strong woman, and believe me, if I could have stopped it, I would have.  So, all of these people who are supposed to love us unconditionally, why are they so wrapped up in how THEY feel about this?  Not one person, (except believe it or not, my ex), has ever been concerned about how hard this is for me!!! For us!  No, because they are so damn wrapped up in how hard it is for them! And it's not even happening to them!  I am so sick and tired of tiptoeing around this situation worried about how it hard it will be for other people.....what about me????? It's MY situation!!

I gotta tell you, besides the five kids involved, I really don't care anymore one bit what anyone else has to say.  I am tired of it.....not once has anybody ever sat down with either of us and said, "Wow, this must be so hard for you to suddenly discover, while you are married and have kids and living in suburban America, that you're GAY!"  It's interesting really, we were just saying that a lot of people's true colors are showing these days.....we are finding out who our true friends are....and don't get me wrong, we do have ALOT of them.  But it's just sad that some of the people that you thought would always have your back, would always be there for you, just disappear in an instant.  Jerks!  Sorry, I might need to cry later, but for right now, I am just really angry.
 
My mom doesn't even realize what she is doing because if she doesn't act a little nicer tomorrow, this will be the last visit she makes up here.  She is pushing me away over something that ISN'T EVEN HER DEAL, and she is going to lose me and consequently, she will not get to see the kids as much.  That is so sad for her and for my kids.....well, and for me, since we all seek that unconditional love from our parents.  Why has she never once asked me how this has been for me?  Monica and I have been so worried about hurting other people, aren't we people too???  I mean, of course, the kids are still of the utmost concern, but helloooooooooo, WHAT ABOUT ME???!!!!!!